


Rogue Dumbasses

by Hammertimexx (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: AU, Gen, Rogue!Stuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-11
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-02-24 22:50:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2599436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Hammertimexx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a civilization where aliens have populated Earth in the extinction of their own planet, two beings live to stop the people from reaching their full potential. Her Imperious Condescension and Lord English, who have taken the entire planet under their thumb under the guise of Englis)( Incorporated.<br/>In a civilization where people are born with the potential to control Aspects and gain superhuman powers, four guardians had fought for a world they'd known, and for the future of their children's charges.<br/>In a civilization on the brink of dystopia, eight kids find their way around the rules set for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When Sailor Moon Attacks

**Author's Note:**

> ((Hello friends! We decided to start another fic! We've been messing with the general idea of it for months now, but here we are actually doing it. It's going to be hilarious, fun, enjoyable and devastating. We'll be updating around once a week, due to busy schedules. I hope you enjoy! -Hammer))  
> Expect the unexpected. -Time

_**“Free vaccines at any Wallblue’s near you! No appointment needed, details inside.”** _

 

The banner hung on the side of the building almost ominously. Which was funny, considering that the font was a bright fuschia and the canvas material it was printed on was a stark white. Nothing about that thing was even remotely dark, but John Egbert dragged his feet none the less as he made his way towards the building.

“It’s just a quick poke,” He tried to mumble to himself, squeezing his hand into a fist softly as the wind picked up in unison with his anxiety. Both he and his sister had always been healthy kids; neither of them had ever been to the doctor before, and never had to get their blood drawn. He actually had never had his second dose of vaccines, something that you were supposed to get about ten seconds after you were born, and again when you turned ten. He’d never even gotten a flu shot since he could help it.

John just wasn’t a needle person!

But he was going and getting his shots for his sister, right?

At that moment, his sister was currently under the apprenticeship of ‘Her Imperious Condescension’, a large influence in the current government they lived under and co-CEO of Englis)( Corp, top producer of vaccines in the world. Jane fondly regarded her as ‘Condesce’ after getting the job, throwing around ‘Her Highness’ and ‘Her Condescension’ like candy on Halloween.  Being Condesce’s apprentice was something that she’d adored the idea of ever since she was little, seeing as her grandmother had urged her to join the corporation that Condesce owned, until she passed away when Jane was eight.

So, when she’d turned 21, she’d become a shining new employee at Englis)( Corp, and as of a month and a half ago became the Condesce’s new favorite employee and assistant.

The Condesce and her guards were something that John had grown up around, but was still a bit weary of; Alternian. It was a race that had been around for fifty years, having come to assist when the Earth humans had lived on began dying under their feet. The proper term for them was Alternian, but the default name was a ‘troll’. They lived among humans with ease, blending into the population years ago. According to their father, they’d even added an extra year onto the length of a normal education for the students to learn more about each other cultures back when he was still a boy. All this only came to pass after an initial five years of resistance and fighting on the humans part, the hysteria of an ‘alien invasion’ driving the masses into madness. A resistance that held up until they were finally convinced that the trolls were there to help, arriving to assist upon seeing a force as powerful as the human race begin to struggle on a hollowed out planet.

So far they’d kept up their side of the bargain, giving new types of soil that boosted the amount of food produced in far more environments, helping recharge the governments worldwide and get the economy stable, all while keep the people of earth safe. It was also when Englis)( Corp. was founded, providing vaccines and medicines that were quickly implemented into the general population as part of a citizen requirement. The drugs created were added to the list of shots given to newborns, the most notable being the T12 Scratch vaccine, which apparently extended life expectancy by up to 20 years and lowered cancer rates. People lived a little longer, had a tendency of getting less sick, and while traveling outside of the country was more trouble than it was worth, things seemed to be going great.

However, John still had his doubts. He’d grown up around a different race, and even thinking about growing up with just humans was disorienting. And yet somehow the way that The Condesce acted raised John’s hackles. He didn’t have a thing against Alternians, per say; just their leader.

However that could have just been his Dad influencing him; while it was never stated out loud, his father had an avid dislike for anything the Condesce seemed to do, leading to plenty of rifts between Jane and him.

When she’d been offered a job at Englis)( Corp, she’d taken it immediately, causing the first actual argument that either of them had had with their father in years. The last time they’d gotten into an argument was when Jane was eight, and decided that she was going to take on her grandmother’s maiden name, Crocker, in her memory. Her father had insisted to keep the name Egbert, saying that Crocker was a name associated with Englis)(, but that simply made Jane fight harder.

He’d lost both arguments.

After she’d gotten her promotion, she’d gotten into another fight with their father, this one about their vaccination records. She’d been very clear on the fact that everyone in the family needed to be up to date on their shots and immunizations if she was allowed to work in close quarters with Her Imperious Condescension. So, in retaliation, their father ended up admitting that he’d never had them bother with them, which apparently was not was Jane was hoping to hear.

He also refused to give his consent on paying for the shots, saying that they were ‘unnecessary.”

That was an argument he won.

Jane was still terse with him when he was sent away on a business trip two days later.

That had been a month ago.

John was positive that if his Dad had been at breakfast that morning instead of away, he would have won the argument that Jane had put up, the one that had even gotten John out the door after Jane had left for work less than an hour ago.

John had been half way through his scrambled eggs when Jane had come downstairs, pouring herself a cup of coffee and glancing at her brother a few times. John had noticed, but hadn’t said anything, and of course she chose to speak up the moment he got a mouthful of food. Sitting down across from him, she crossed her ankles, wrapping her hands around her mug. “So…” She took a sip of her coffee, glancing around while speaking casually, “We still haven't gotten our second T12 Scratch shots.”

Glancing up from a bite of egg, John shrugged a little, letting out a muffled, “So?”

“So...I think we should do that soon. I mean, I probably will regardless, since it's required for my job, but I think it would be best if we both did it.”

John sat back a little, his brow furrowing over the rim of his glasses. “We haven't had them up until this point, and we're fine. Plus, I thought Dad already said no to this.”

“Dad isn't here, is he?” That had caused the both of them to wince; while Jane was unhappy about her father being gone for nearly a month now, John was flat out upset, and the whole thing was a touchy subject. While she regretted saying that, she pressed on. “Just because we've been fine up until this point doesn't mean we will be in the future. And I have to if I want to keep my job. It's one of our only sources of income right now, John. Do you want to lose that?”

Rolling his eyes at that, John had shook his head.  “You know I don't! But soon enough Dad’ll send his paycheck back home. He’s always been against the vaccines, what if it was for a reason?”

She frowned in response, giving a small shrug, “I'm sorry John, but we don't really get a say in it. At this point, it’s a must. If you want to keep living in this house, you’re going to have to get a few shots.”

“Blugh.” Scrunching up his nose, John glanced around superstitiously for a second. It felt like conspiring against the way they were raised, getting these immunizations. While John was more focused on the fact that he was going to be stabbed with a needle than the fact that his father was solemnly against it, both were large benefactors. And yet, he could feel his will bend a little too far. “When do we have to get them?”

“As soon as possible,” Jane smiled at the fact that her brother was on her side, only making John fall further into her trap. Stupid siblings. “You could probably go and get one while I'm at work today. I'll check in with Her Imperious Condescension and see if I have any insurance benefits.” She didn't even bat an eyelash when talking about the Condescension, glazing over it with a wistful look as she talked to herself while moving to take a sip of coffee, “Funny, I never thought I'd have to worry about insurance so soon…”

John mockingly said the name back as Jane mumbled, his disdain for the Condesce growing in size. It felt like they were going behind their Dads back, not to mention siding with someone that he outwardly hated. “Well, thanks to the shots, you won't have to worry about it even a little! your 'super cool' job with stupid vaccine issues will cover it all.” He was obviously sulking just a touch as he took a sip of his coffee, rolling his eyes over the rim as he glanced at his sister.

“Stop sulking, you big toddler. Your angst stinks up the whole house.” She huffed as she spoke, even as she looked rather please with the turnout of their conversation, before taking their empty plates to the sink, “The insurance covers both of us! We need support, John. And of all the places to have it come from, maybe it's best that it's from one of the two most powerful beings in the world!” Glancing back, she shook her head at him, “Goodness, I really am the adult in this family, aren't I?”

“Guess so. Now you'll have to pack me up and ship me off to preschool before going to work.” Heaving a sigh, he slid off his chair, downing the rest of his coffee. Walking over to put his cup in the sink he stuck his tongue out at her.

“There you are, sulking some more! And I am not taking you to preschool, you dope. Although naptime might do you some good.” She chided playfully.

“Well, you’re the adult,” He snarked back, his expression shifted from slightly amused and annoyed to something a bit more worried, “Speaking of adults, have you heard from Dad at all? He hasn't called me in days. Has he tried to reach you up at the Witch's office?”

Jane’s grin faded the moment their father was brought up. The last time they’d talked had been an argument, and while she felt guilty about it, she knew it’d be easy to make amends when he got home. It always was. “I haven't heard from him, either. Her highness hasn't given me any information, other than he’s ‘away’.” After rethinking what John said, she rolled her eyes at his not very fond nickname for the Condesce, “Very professional, John.”

“I don't have to be professional, that's your job.” Giving an overly fake bow, John gave a condescending look along with a false salute, “But tell _her Highness_ that you conned your little brother into getting a shot. Right before you conked him out for naptime.”

“John, honestly!” She crossed her arms tightly, glaring at him as she leaned back against the counter, “I know that you hate this, but please. Do it for me. At the very least.” Her grip on herself loosened slightly, her eyebrows pulling down on the far ends, “So I can have some peace of mind.”

For a moment John crossed his own arms to mirror his sister, before giving a deep chested sigh at her expression, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head and averting his gaze. “Fine, fine, I'll go. For your beloved piece of mind. Happy?”

Jane gave him a soft smile, moving back to the table and grabbing her work bag. “It'll do. I'll see you this afternoon, alright?” Walking back over, she hugged him tight for a moment, sighing, “Love you, John.”

Resting his chin on the top of her head and chuckling a little, he squeezed her once. “Love you too, even if you have the ulterior motive to get me poked with a bunch of sharp objects. We'll grab dinner when you get home, okay? Now run, or Condy'll catch you.”

“Stupid Condescension,” John mumbled to himself as he continued to approach the clinic. It was her fault that Jane had guilt-tripped him into this. Not to mention that his Dad was gonna be pissed when he heard ab-

It was at that moment the wind picked up, a poster hung on the tack board outside the clinic suddenly flying from the staples it was held up by, instead moving to cover John’s face. Making a startled noise, he scrambled to peel it off, having to wait for the wind to stop fighting him before he could do so. When he got it in hand, he considered throwing it right in the trash before the person on it caught his eye.

Or, more specifically, the person on it who was under giant red letters that read, “WANTED”.

Tipping his head a little, he looked the poster over. The guy on it looked to be his age, the basic sketch looking alright but the eyes looking far too big and the nose didn’t seem to match with the rest of the features. Scrunching his own nose, John almost laughed; If the guy wasn’t a criminal, it’d kind of be funny that they gave him Sailor Moon eyes.  Looking down at the bottom, he mumbled the information to himself, “Dave Strider, 21,  wanted for arson, petty theft, and an attack on the life of Her Imperious Condescension? Warning; Armed and Dangerous.”

Letting out a whistle and raising his eyebrow, John walked back to the tack board, finding enough random thumb tacks to pin the poster back up. The guy in the picture stared back at him, the outline of shades drawn on lightly to show the face underneath. Seeing that, John made the mental assumption that the eyes on that person were a total guess. No wonder they looked like something straight out of a manga. Maybe they only had seen him when he was wearing his sunglasses?

Shrugging, John turned to go back into the clinic, barely noticing as two men approached the board he’d just put the picture on.

Right now, he needed to focus on steeling himself up for that stupid shot.

Damn her Highness.

 

-

 

“Wait, hold the fuck up,” Dave Strider ordered, reaching out to grab his brother’s shoulder to stop him from entering the door some dark haired kid had just walked through. When his brother, Dirk, glanced behind at him, Dave stabbed a finger at his face printed on the board in front of him, “Are you seeing this?”

“Yeah Dave, it’s called a ‘wanted’ poster. It’s made for people that can get arrested at any second. Like us. Now stop dicking around, we have a job to do.”

“Whoa, no, look.” His pointer finger and middle finger formed a vee shape, pointing at his eyes and nose. “God damn, they never get my nose right, it’s not that crooked. Also what asshole can’t remember these shades? The corners aren’t that sharp, they’re rounded. These babies are expensive, I didn’t pay for this misinterpretation. I’m calling bullshit. And do you see this? Mother of god, they gave me yaoi eyes.”

Rolling his eyes behind his own pointed shades, Dirk simply walked out of Dave’s grip, barely glancing at his own poster that was hung directly next to Dave’s. His chin was a bit off, and yet he didn’t care. “You should be thankful man. The more incorrect they are, the harder it is for people to relate to us. Now do you want to save a bunch of people from making a mistake or not?”

“You take all the fun out of the posters,” Dave accused, Patting Dirk’s shoulder as he walked past him. “I just want to be represented correctly, is that too much to ask?” Holding the door open for him, Dave got swatted lightly on the back of the head as Dirk walk past, causing him to roll his eyes to himself before turning around, facing the door. Pulling out some padlocks, Dave went to work, making sure the door wouldn’t open again until they could get away.

 

-

 

“Twenty?” The nurse repeated with a disbelieving and judgemental stare, causing John to feel the need to explain.

“Yeah! My Dad just never got around to it, I guess. I probably would have gotten them when I went to college this year anyways, but my sis has a boss who’s like, ‘blah blah, get your shots or your fired’ and is forcing us to get them. She’s a huge b- witch.” Pausing, John glanced around at a room filled with young kids and their parents, while nurses called them in to get their shots.  

At the moment they were on the fourth floor, Pediatrics, the floor John had to go to seeing as he was still on his father's insurance. Usually he’d at least feel embarrassed, but now he was more focused on the fact that every kid that came out was crying like they’d just gotten teeth removed. This was gonna suck.

“Uh huh,” She said, looking like she was trying not to be amused, “And you know you were supposed to get this shot when you were ten, right?”

“Yes ma’am, but my father is really good at procrastination and I’m trying not to be.”

This did work a chuckle out of her as she nodded, looking down at a pile of papers for John to fill out, “Alright, I just need some basic information. Take this to fill out. Go take a seat, over by-”

“Actually, don’t do that,” A voice interrupted, causing John’s head to turn to look over at the doorway. One person was turned around and fiddling with the door, while the other stood with his hands casually in his pockets, black, pointed shades resting on his nose with a bandana pulled up over his mouth and a hood pulled up to cover his hair. Huh. That was odd.

“Excuse me?” John asked, the nurse looking equally confused as the guy stepped forward slowly. Something about him was oddly intimidating, causing John to step back in tandem.

“Sorry about this bro,” The stranger shrugged, before moving faster than John thought possible, feeling an arm wrap solidly around his neck before something cool was pressed to his throat.

A few random parents in the room screamed, all moving to cover their kids as John froze completely, trying to swallow against the solid bicep pressed against his adams apple. Glancing over, he felt his heart flutter a bit when he realized the thing pressed right above the arm holding him in place was a long blade.

Oh.

Oh fuck.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

“Wh-Whoa man, hey-” He started, his voice cracking as his raised his hands innocently. Oh shit he was going to fucking die, oh shit, fuck-

“Like I said buddy, this is nothing personal.” The stranger soothed, standing up a bit straighter so John could stand on his feet more solidly, “In fact I may be saving whatever kid you dragged in here with you to get that poison injected in ‘em.”

“Kid? I came for me.” Of course that’s what he was going to focus on. Feeling his heart begin to beat in his palms and eyes as his anxiety rose, John glanced over, seeing that everyone was now effectively pressed against the glass windows that acted as the walls in the room.

“... Really?” John knew he was getting stared at by the man with a blade to his throat, but his voice sounded genuinely curious.

“Yes!” He hissed out, feeling himself begin to sweat, “Please, please just let me go, I promise I’ll let this drop, just-”

“Alright! Nurses in the back, we’ll need every shot of the T12 Scratch you have in stock. Leave one vial out, our little boy in blue over here gets his throat slit over a group of kids, and that’s a damn unfortunate memory to have, don’t you think?” John nearly pissed himself when this was said, but instead squeezed his eyes shut momentarily, feeling his breathing falter horribly as he failed to suck in any breath. The kids in the room were whimpering, and if he weren’t so close to bursting into tears, John might have joined them. Instead, his captor’s partner in crime continued, “Pass over every ounce, and nobody gets hurt.” This was all being said by the man who’d been messing with the door, causing John’s vision to tip over to the end of the room containing only one person. The person in question was donned with a red bandana and wearing familiar shades and hair that John had seen on a poster two minutes prior.

“Holy shit, it’s the anime eyes dude,” John grunted out, beginning to actually shake against the stranger. Closing his eyes, he tried to force himself to breathe through his nose.

Unfortunately for John, the ‘anime eyed’ dude heard that, looking over at him for a split second before turning back  to the scrambling clinic staff.

Before turning back to John.

“Holy shit,” was stated loud enough that John opened his eyes, watching as the robber walking up to him. Slipping his bandana down, he turned to the man holding John, “Dirk. This is him.”

“Him?”

“John.”

“How the fuck do you know my name?” John asked immediately, turning his head and feeling ‘Dirk’s’ blade dig into his throat a little, knicking him.

“Wow your teeth could chop down a tree when you were this young, huh,” The round-shaded one commented, causing John to glare at him and actually consider kicking a foot out. If he was going to die, he was going to die with some dignity, damn it, this guy had no right talking about his teeth that way. He was still growing into them!

However, his movement to hit him was halted when his captor spoke.

“Wait, Dave, is this the part where you-” Dirk started.

“Yes,” Dave nodded, looking at John. Or at least John could only think he was. Those shades were thicker than he thought they would be.

“And he’s gonna-”

“Yup.”

“I’m gonna what?” John squeaked out, watching as Dave looked around for a moment before picking up a coffee table, slamming it against the window. The patrons around them yelled and screamed again, and Dave let out a sigh as the glass shattered, John turning his head to avoid getting littered with glass. But, suddenly, he felt himself being let go, and his legs actually gave out from relief as the blade moved further and further away from his neck.

Until he was being grabbed by the front of the shirt by Dave, dragged over to the open window.

Going wide eyed, John scrambled to get a tight grip on the blond, only to find that it was hard to function when you’re literal seconds from being thrown to your death.

“Egbert, listen to me,” The felon started, causing John’s wide eyes to land on him, his shaking hands reaching up to get the grip of both his hands solid on Dave’s wrist, “If you don’t want to fall, then don’t. But only you can make that happen.”

Glancing over as he tried to catch his breath, John noticed that Dirk was holding a bag full of vials, sifting through it as a few kids sniffled in the corner of the room.

“I- I can’t- Please, please, don’t-” His knees gave out and Dave held him up with another hand to the front of his shirt, stepping forward to lean John further out the window.

“If you fall too far, I’ll come after you, but at least make an effort alright? I’m starting to feel like this is a onesided relationship here.” Leaning forward, he got about six inches away from John’s face as Dirk began to call out the all clear. “Fly, bro,” was all that was said as he was violently shoved away.

A scream was ripped from John Egbert’s throat as he was thrown out of a fourth story window, joined by dozens of other yells from the people in the room with them and followed down by two shaded stares, watching as he flew to the ground.

Or, nearly did. His hand scrambled out and managed to catch on the white canvas banner hung a floor below, causing him to catch himself as he yelled.

People below him began to call out, and he could hear sirens in the distance, and he could feel his arm straining to hold himself up, and he was so, so fucked.There was no way that banner would hold him for long, and even if it did, his arm was already feeling weak. “Help me!” Was the first thing that came out of his mouth, while his feet kicked in search of a ledge. “Help!”

“Was he supposed to grab that?” Dirk questioned from about ten feet above, leaning in to talk to his brother as they observed the ravenet kick wildly.

“Yeah,” Dave said, watching the toe of John’s shoe begin to catch on a thin ledge, “He’s also supposed to fal-”

The rip of the canvas was deafening as John began to plummet again, squeezing his eyes shut as he began to cry out one last time.  Even the patrons from the ground were gasping. So, this was how he’d die, being thrown out the window by a psycho. That whole ‘life flashing before your eyes’ bit started as John’s whole world seemed to freeze and still. Were last moments always this slow? He remembered his fifth birthday, along with bits of school, birthday parties for his sister, cool road trips with his dad and for some reason the time that he’d nearly sprained his neck in a jumpy castle when he was eleven. Fast forward to graduating high school and trying to pick out a college, and John was suddenly annoyed; It was so boring, wow. That couldn’t be his contribution to life, right?

His heart hadn’t beat for over ten seconds.

His vision was fading.

His last thought was really going to be over the fact that he didn’t want to die on the grounds that his life had been so damn lame.

“Aaaaaaaand, there it is,” Dave’s voice stated proudly far closer than before, causing John’s brow to scrunch in confusion. Hold the hell up, where was the asphalt?

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Dirk commented as John began to peak an eye open, expecting them to be standing over him. Instead he nearly had to close it again from what felt like a huge gust right next to his eyes, immediately drying them out.

“Learned from you. Wow he’s really floating on up, I thought he’d be falling by now. Come on, he’s gonna land on the roof, we should probably book it up there.”

_Land?_

John tried to move his legs, and found that while he could, there was nothing solid under them to stand on. Flailing uselessly, he tried to move his arms as well, only to feel his shirt flap uselessly as it was hit repeatedly by gusts of air. _What the fuck was happening?_

Squirming, John eventually shielded his eyes to the best of his abilities, glancing around only to see that he was about six feet above the roof of the clinic. And rising.

Hovering.

Well, now falling.

“Holy shit!” Was what he managed to get out before the wind around him gave out, leaving him with a six foot free fall that knocked the breath out of him.

Turning onto his side and gasping, John felt his lungs struggle before allowing proper air flow, the ravenet sucking in oxygen greedily.

He’d just flown.

He’d just been nearly murdered.

Twice.

He’d just _flown._

A loud thudding behind him sounded, causing him to roll over only to see two blonds barricading a door, as quickly as they could. Glancing over his shoulder, the younger one gave a nod, “Fancy seeing you here, Bugs Bunny.”

Swallowing once, John pushed himself to all fours. Then, to his knees. Finally, by the time the brothers were stepping away from the door, John wobbly stood on his feet, adrenaline coursing through him in immense waves. He’d just been insulted, held captive, thrown out a _window_ , and insulted again, within a one minute stretch. He could feel the chemical pounding through his temples, along with burning anger, as he walked forward and land a solid left hook on Dave Strider’s nose.

Maybe now it’d look a bit more like the poster.

 

-

 

“Nice,” Was the comment that his brother so helpfully supplied as Dave doubled over, both hands going to the center of his face while his supposed friend stood, glaring at him.

“Shut the fuck up, Dirk,” Dave groaned. He could feel his heart beat through the cartilage of his nose, and if he were being honest, he’d admit that he didn’t know John would be that strong.

But then again, he’d only met him twice, and those were in the future.

Maybe he’d just thought that John would be a wet noodle before all their training?

Jesus Christ his face really hurt.

“Who the hell are you, and what did you do to me?” John got out, probably trying to sound intimidating but instead sounding winded and a bit in pain.

“Dirk Strider,” Dirk introduced, before Dave felt his shoulder get grabbed, pulling him upright.

Shifting his nose a little, Dave was delighted to see that it wasn’t bleeding, but fuck had it always tilted that much to the left?

“Dave Strider,” Dave introduced, trying to keep his face blank even as his nose began to swell.

“You’re the guys on those wanted posters, downstairs,” John commented, moving to stand fully and instead letting out a hiss, a hand going to his ribs. Dave idly wondered if he’d cracked one of his ribs from the fall.

The pain in his nose kind of wished that he had.

“Observant. Really glad we vied to have you on our team,” Dave snapped sarcastically, more speaking through the pain in his face than the excitement in his stomach. This was it; John was a huge addition to their team, and they’d found him.

And he’d just discovered his Aspect, too. God only knew how long that would take to master, but he at least discovered it.

“Don’t be an asshole anymore than you already have been!” John retaliated, leaning on one of the venting units as his breathing tried to slow, “You just threw me out a window, I’m allowed to say whatever stupidly obvious thing I want.”

“And you’re also allowed to go punching your friends in the face?”

“You called me Bugs Bunny, that’s a pretty big sign that we’re not friends. I’ve never even met you before, I should be calling the cops right now.” Shifting a little, John pulled up the side of his shirt, an imprint of his ribs beginning to show in a bloody purple. “Gross,” He commented to himself, reaching out to poke at it and flinching a little.

“But you’re not,” Dave pointed out, bringing both of his hands up to his nose. Yup, definitely misplaced. He’d get it fixed up when they were a little more safe.

“Because I don’t have my phone on me,” He clarified, letting his shirt drop, “Just stay away from me and you guys can get a head start or something.”

“Nah,” Dirk shrugged, causing both boys to look at him.

“What?” John said, what little color he had in his face draining. “You need to let me go.”

“No we don’t,” Dirk shook his head, Dave nodding in his silent agreement, “In fact we need you with us.”

“And  your sister,” the younger Strider said. But watching the way John tensed up and set his jaw, he almost wished he hadn’t said anything.

“What do you know about her?”

“I know that if she goes to work til the end of the day today, she’s gonna be killed by the lead Threshecutioner on the grounds that her father was going against the Empire and her little brother had been spotted using an Aspect that he shouldn’t have.”

Scrambling to stand up fully, John stilled, looking between them, “What’s an Aspect?”

“You just flew dumbass, that’s an Aspect. Your Dad made sure to never get you that stupid Scratch vaccine so you could access it someday, hence, going against the Empire.” Jesus how much of this shit was Dave going to have to explain?

Shaking his head, Dave watched as John closed his eyes, “My Dad isn’t-’

“Wasn’t,” Dave corrected, sighing a little.

“W-wasn’t?” He parroted, opening his eyes with a confused but panicked look and causing Dirk to shake his head.

“Dude. Let’s get somewhere where we can actually bunker down before explaining this shit to him,” He suggested, patting Dave’s shoulder.

As if on cue, the door behind them thumped while a yell was given from behind the barrier, causing all three boys to back up a little.

All that John was given was the order of, “Come on,” before his wrist was grabbed, both the blond boys leading their way across the rooftops with John in tow.

“Hey, wait a sec-!” John tried to pull back, but was only glared at by Dave.

“John. Do you want to save your sister or not?”

“No shit, but-”

“Then run.”

 

-

 

Three blocks later, and there were policemen trailing behind them, John’s lungs straining with exertion as they continued to run.

He was on the run with two criminals who knew way more about him than they should, and he’d flown today.

Why the hell had he gotten out of bed?

Dave was still refusing to let go of him, keeping a tight grip on his wrist so John was forced to speed up. Did this technically count as kidnapping?

“Can I at least explain-”

“Dave, fuck off, we’re a little busy, I think the kid can wait for two minutes to hear what we have to say.”

“He is literally the only reason Rose pushed us to go to that fucking clinic, and you know it. We need to give him an explanation.”

“I think John can handle another three minutes of not trusting us, calm your tits.”

“But he could want to flake off, idiot. Telling him some of the important shit now could-”

“Stop!”

At first John assumed that Dirk was yelling at his brother to stop arguing, but when he slammed into Dave’s back, he peeked over his shoulder, noticing a gap of about eight feet across the next building and their own.

John and Dave glanced at each other in unison before Dirk made a running start, jumping over the gap and managing to get a solid foot down on the other side before having to roll with the momentum.

“Shit shit shit,” Dave mumbled, letting go of John’s hand. The moment he did John immediately thought of running, but his thoughts were quickly interrupted by Dave, who was stepping back to get a running start, “John if you turn back to the police or try to go home, they’ll bring you in front of Condy and have you executed for that little flying trick you did back there. Unless you’re hankering to get stabbed through the chest, I’d suggest sticking by us, at least until you have the full picture.”

Ten quick steps and a pounce that was hardly strong enough, and Dave was in the open air.

Dave barely made it across the gap, his arms clinging to the side of the building before his brothers hands were at his shirt and sweatshirt, hauling him to safety.

On the rooftop next to him, something clattered, causing John to turn on heel and look around wildly. There was a door for roof access and a few cans, but nothing of importance. But it did bring his attention to the policemen behind him.

“Stop now, by order of the-” The officers were yelling now, causing him to feel his throat constrict. They were only two buildings back, they’d be there in no time.

Looking down at the gap again, John glanced back up at the Striders, both of whom were watching him carefully.

“What if I fall?” John called over, and for only knowing the guy for five minutes John could feel that Dave was rolling his eyes from a whole different building.

“Then I’ll jump down after you.” For some reason, it sounded to be the most sincere thing that Dave had said to that point, and the ridiculousness of the situation made John huff out a laugh. He was going to jump off a building, alright.

Why the fuck not.  

Stepping back a few paces, John got his best running start, foot landing directly on the edge of the building before shoving off in what was most likely the most important jump of his life.

He  got halfway across before he started sinking.

His arms went to cover his eyes as he curled up, knowing he was going to fall.

He got less than a foot down before the wind picked up around him, pushing him back up and over before he landed in a sprawled mess at the feet of the two felons, skinning up his forearms and hitting his knees.

“He’ll get better at that, right?” Dirk asked in a curious tone, while Dave simply helped John to his feet.

“What is ‘that’, exactly?” John panted out as the group of them began running again, the policemen behind them clamoring as they reached the gap. John glanced back, feeling his throat constrict at the fact that he’d nearly fallen down that alley.

“Your Aspect. Wind, I guess,” Dave began to explain, hopping onto a metal fire escape system on the edge of the last rooftop they were on as the three of them began stumbling down the stairs as quickly as they could, “You nearly die, you end up living, bam you’ve got yourself an Aspect.”

“I don’t get it,” The ravenet admitted, only to immediately be yanked along as they reached the ground, dodging down an alleyway and past an abandon building. John could see the street full of people at the end of the thin alley they were stuck in. It was so close, if he could just get Dave to let go of him-

“Alright we’ve gotta say something and clear this shit before he up and ditches,” Dave decided aloud, turning on heel and slamming into the door of the derelict building, the wood splintering a bit as he ducked John inside.

Dirk could be heard making an argument from outside, but only for a second before he was ducking into the dark building as well, both John and Dave breathing like they’d nearly drown seconds prior.

“Quiet,” Dirk requested, closing the door behind them while setting his hands on his knees, panting in an attempt to catch his breath. Listening, all three of the boys held their breath to hear if they were being followed.

One minute of silence.

Another.

The third was interrupted by a bag full of small glass bottles falling to the floor, causing John to flinch heavily. Looking around for a moment, Dave disappeared into the dark, emerging again with a shitty chair on rollers. “Sit,” He ordered to John.

When he just stood there, Dave slid the chair over to Dirk, who pushed it against the back of John’s legs, causing his knees to buckle as he collapsed in the chair.

“Alright, so it goes something like this,” Dirk started, sitting on the ground in front of John and folding his hands in his lap as sirens began to sound outside. “Englis)( Incorporated has had complete control over the country since we were shitting ourselves as infants. Now, we’re shitting ourselves as adults and they are still going strong, and even expanding their territory. Anybody who opposes is killed immediately.”

“Like our Bro, and what we assume is happening with your Pops.”

“What?” John snapped out, sitting up with a horrified expression, “You think he’s-”

“He could still be alive,” Dirk soothed with a raised hand, “But if he is we’ll need to find him pronto, and we have just the person to see where he is.”

“We have a few friends, Rose and Roxy, that run with us. Rose can tell us where your old man is, but the same thing happened to their mother. They were sent on the run when Condy found out she’d been protecting them from Englis)( drugs. So, all of our guardians have been killed. Their only offense; protecting us. They were wiped out, conveniently leaving a little clan of orphans to fend for themselves. Orphans that all had conveniently not been given their final dose of DMT, nor their T12 Scratch Vaccine.”

“DMT,” John repeated, and Dave and Dirk nodded.

“Dimethyltryptamine, aka DMT. A type of chemical that is released twice in your life, once when you’re born, and once when you die,” Dave explained, sitting back against the floor, his hands making imprints in the dust, “There are a few people, like you and us, that have a little something… Extra. When we were born, we weren’t given our Scratch shots, but were still given our first of dose of DMT. It’s called the ‘wonder drug’ because no drug created by man has the same properties. It’s something that the body only releases in mass amounts of stress. So, you’re born, bam, you get a dose. It sort of fits like a shitty key and partially unlocked a hidden section in our brains. But like I said, this key is shitty, and it only got the door to budge a little before jamming it even worse than before all while giving us a sneak peek. Like with me? I never needed to look at a clock my entire life. Weird, right?”

John nodded, and Dave continued, “Never needed to. I had some kick ass internal clock that I didn’t even know that much about. I was always good with dates, with history in general, and I never thought much about it. But it wasn’t ‘normal’ when I brought it up with literally anyone besides my Bro and Dirk.”

“To even be considered ‘normal’, one has to have been vaccinated with a chemical fabricated by the Incorporation. Most people know it as the T12 Scratch Vaccine. Did you ever get that vaccine, John?” Dirk asked, raising his eyebrows.

The buck-toothed boy rolled his, huffing, “No. Because you two broke into the clinic before I could and threw me out a window!”

He was met with the incredulous stares of both brothers. Dave shook his head in disbelief.

“Do you know what DMT actually does?”

The Striders only got a blank stare from John. Dave rolled his eyes.

“Let me put this into simpler terms. So, we, well I,” the red-eyed Strider corrected himself, “pushed you out the window? And then you basically flew across those two buildings earlier?” The blue-eyed boy paused and shuffled in his seat before nodding, “Well, you can do that because you have power over an Aspect. Yours is wind, I guess, but when our friend Rose talked about it for you, she called it Breath. Since you never got the vaccine which acts like a barrier and prevents you from using your aspect, you have access to it now that you’ve nearly died, and your body gave you a second hit of DMT about ten minutes ago. You can control that power with a bit of practice, and can move motherfucking mountains once you’ve mastered it. But,” Dave paused a bit, allowing the sirens outside their hideout emphasis the importance of what he was saying, “English and Condy don’t want that. They want everybody to be perfectly weak and subordinate. So they invented the T12 Scratch, which does exactly that.”

“It acts as a blocker in more ways that one. No matter how many times your body releases DMT, the T12 Scratch blocks the part of you that can use an Aspect. Not only that, but it also blocks any rebellious thoughts from being acted upon,” Dirk continued. “I’m not gonna say it’s brainwashing…but it’s brainwashing.”

“Why would they need to brainwash us?” John asked, his expression pinching, “They’re our allies, right?”

“Who the hell was teaching him?” Dirk asked, sighing as he looked at his brother.

“The system that says that kind of shit,” Dave reminded, turning to look back at John, “Condy and English, the two leaders of Englis)( Corp, are not ‘allies’ to anyone. They’re using us like fucking puppets. They came in our ‘darkest hour’, and suddenly they take over our entire government while forcing more drugs into our systems than we can process in the hope that we’ll be dull and sated enough to never fight back. They’ve created the most susceptible race of human beings that has ever existed, and you can trust me when I say that some big shit is about to go down.”

“Which is why Condy was so damn set on having your sister work for her; She needs someone to run the show when she’s out fighting,” Dirk finished for his brother.

“Wait,” John faltered. “How do you know about my sister?”

Dave set a hand on John’s shoulder, causing the dark haired one to flinch. He relaxed a moment later, however, when Dave slid his shades into his hairline, looking John directly in the eye with a pair of ruby red irises.

“We’ve met before. I’ve been to a time when you and Jane were helping us save people, and I’ve been to a time when you walked away right now and both of you were dead by tomorrow night. Right now, all I need is for you to help us. Come with us, meet the other two members of our group, and we’ll go get your sister. We’d appreciate the help, if you’re willing to provide it. If you don't believe us after we get her, we'll let you walk, alright?”

The was a pause, in which they all listened to the sirens outside as John thought. The Striders could tell that he was conflicted, and just as Dave was about to speak up again, Dirk squeezed his shoulder and nodded. John had his decision already.

“…Fine,” he finally managed to tell them. “I'm in.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Comments, questions, concerns? Message me at burnieplease.tumblr.com or Time at cyan-shenanigans.tumblr.com. Thanks for reading! ^^))


	2. The Dong Lords

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh my goodness this was supposed to be finished and posted last week  
> But! It's here now! So eyyy.  
> Enjoy the next installment of Rogue Dumbasses, written by yours truly! The next chap will be written by Hammer, and then we'll keep alternating until the end of the fic. ^u^  
> -Time

They waited it out in that abandoned building for an hour, all the while the police didn’t even seem to notice their absence. They kept marching across the neighborhood, moving to the ground level and searching the populated areas. For the first few minutes of their wait, they sat in silence, John still mulling over everything he was told, Dirk silently swept the room for any helpful items to return to their base with, and Dave trying very hard not to stare at the ravenette across from him. And a few minutes after that, Dirk was sitting back with them, his hands full with a wool blanket. It had a few holes and the underside carried a fine layer of dust, but it was a good find.

“There was a pile of them in the corner, but this one was in the best shape,” he explained, his voice still cautiously soft. He threw it at John, who resisted the urge to sneeze because holy shit, that thing was dusty. “Wrap it around yourself, your clothes are probably a main factor in people spotting you.”

“Fuck, this thing smells.”

The pointy-shaded blonde simply shrugged. “You’ve got wind on your side, just blow the smell away from you.”

John gave him a glare. “I have no idea how to do that.”

“Then just will the smell away. It worked well enough when you were flying.”

“Dirk, give him some slack, jesus,” Dave shoved his brother.

“Sorry, but the proverbial rope is pulled taut. We have to get things moving, and he needs to figure it out. You know I’m shit at coddling.”

“Alright, rule number two John, never complain to Dirk ‘rub some dirt on it’ Strider over here. He’s no help.”

John grinned faintly at that. “I’ve noticed. But what is rule number one?”

Dave looked at him again, offering his own smirk. “Rule number one, no number two. Don’t shit anywhere inside the current base. And if you’re going to ask why that’s a rule, that guy right there has your answer,” he jabbed his thumb over at his brother, who shrugged.

“Nature called. There was a bathroom in there. ‘Didn’t realize it was out of order until it was too late.”

"That's fucking gross.”

“You didn’t have to sleep closest to the smell, John. I think I lost brain cells. I’ll never recover.”

“Can we stop talking about my shit and maybe get a move on?” Dirk suddenly called from the door, looking through the peep hole. “They’ve moved on far enough for us to slip out.”

“That’s what she said.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” John scrutinized. Dirk shook his head.

“Does it really only takes you two 30 minutes to warm up to each other?”

“You’re just jealous, bro,” Dave responded, wrapping an arm around John loosely. Oh yeah, this was the guy that threw him out of a building. For a good cause, yeah, but it was still something he should probably not let go for a while. He still didn’t really know if everything they were saying was even true! John tensed, brushing the hand off softly. Dave simply put his hands in his pockets as if nothing happened.

Dirk didn’t respond, just opening the door and motioning for the other two to follow him. They moved west, John tying the blanket around his neck like a cape. The brothers rolled their eyes at him almost simultaneously. Dave swapped glasses with him as well, complaining about how fucked up the ravenette’s vision was under his breath. Every now and then, they ducked into more abandoned buildings, taking what they could when they thought it would be useful later. By the time they had made it out of the city, John had a fisherman’s cap and a pair of groucho marx glasses on his face. Dave had taken his own sunglasses back, but kept John’s glasses in his pocket, mumbling something about John’s clumsiness being a danger to himself and his glasses.

“So you said there were more of you?” John asked when they were out of earshot.

“Yeah,” Dirk answered simply, offering no extra information. There was silence for another moment before John tried again.

“...Who are they?”

“Other specials.”

Other specials. Right. John sighed, wrapping the blanket around himself as the wind picked up again. Now that he didn’t have as much to think about, the pain in his feet and the emptiness of his stomach became apparent. He tried to let his mind wander, but every time he thought of his sister or the fact that he was walking to god knows where with two strangers that could possibly be lying to him to get him out of the city for an easy murder. Dave didn’t seem as suspicious as Dirk, though, so he kept closer to the red-eyed one. Said red-eyed one looked over at him with a questioning look.

“Got a lot on your mind, Bugs Bunny?”

At first, John wasn’t sure how to respond. While his head told him that he shouldn’t reveal anything to the brothers, his gut (as well as his newfound flying powers) certainly told him they could be trusted. He gripped the blanket tighter to himself. “I dunno. I guess? It’s just a lot to think about, is all. And Jane. Shit, I hope she’s alright.”

“She’ll be alright. I know. This is the timeline where we save her. It’s all good.” Dave paused, seemingly knowing that his words weren’t doing much good for the blue eyed boy. “...But if it makes you feel any better, one of the others in our group is a seer. We could probs check in on your sis.”

John gave a crooked grin. “That would be awesome.”

-

There was only one way to describe the way Roxy Lalonde felt at that very moment, and it was boredom.

The Strider boys hadn’t come back from their most recent raid yet, and they were the ones she loved to mess with the most. Rose didn’t give as big of reactions to her escapades as the boys did, after all. Whenever she cloaked herself and kissed Rose on the cheek (leaving a lip-shaped smear of black lipstick), she didn’t seem to mind as much as Dave did, and when she pestered her with random questions, she didn’t overreact like Dirk would. She loved Rose, she really did, but sometimes she was just far too mature for her age.

Currently, Roxy sat on the roof of the warehouse they were hiding out in, her rifle laying next to her as she stared at the clouds in the sky. Rose was inside no doubt still doing lame seer things, like she had been when Roxy left her there twenty minutes ago. Apparently the boys did something interesting this time around, so the younger Lalonde was making sure that the possible outcomes were all okay. But still. _Boring._

After a while, she decided it wouldn’t hurt to look around a bit. Picking up her rifle, she looked through the scope at the endless sea of tall grass surrounding the decrepit warehouse. A slight breeze picked up, moving the grass and alarming some small animals as the brush swiped at them. Something about the increasing rate of the wind’s speed unnerved Roxy a little. On one hand, it could mean that something dangerous might happen, but on another, it was something different! The wind began to blow stronger, but Roxy stayed put, pulling her jacket a little closer to herself as she scanned the empty space for something like a funnel cloud or a giant robot with a fan. It was unlikely that a giant robot was what caused the sudden change of weather, but it was a fun thing to think about.

“Hey Roxy, over here!” Dave called out from behind her, and she whipped around to see them running, an unfamiliar boy walking alongside them. Dave raised a duffle bag in his arm and waved it around a little. “We got the shit.”

“How’d you know it was me?” Roxy laughed. “Also, who’s the cute one that’s messin’ up my hair?”

The wind petered out within the minute that it took the three to walk the rest of the way to the base. Roxy could see the faintest of blushes on the new guy’s face as he yelled an apology about her hair and something about breath stuff.

“This is John, b-t-dubs,” Dave mentioned. “If you get your ass down here, you can properly meet him.”

“But no tackling!” Dirk added, noticing the mischievous glint in her eye despite their distance. “He barely trusts us. Dave pushed him out a window. Just. Be careful.”

“You got it, cap,” she saluted, throwing her rifle on her back and making her way to the ground again.

-

“I think I trust you more than you’re giving me credit for.”

“Well, yeah, but Roxy is very energetic. I’m saving you from more bruises, man. Thank me later.”

“It’s true, she does love tackling people-jesus christ!” Dave was cut off by none other than Roxy wrapping her arms around his waist and propelling them forward and onto the ground. “Roxy, god damn it! The vaccines!”

“In her defense, you never did say she couldn’t tackle you,” another girl, who looked very similar to the one currently on top of Dave, interjected with a grin. She immediately turned to John, offering a hand to him. “Hello, John. I’m Rose. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“How did you-” the dark haired one started, but stopped. “You know what? I shouldn’t be surprised. You’re the third stranger to know my name today. And you’re being polite, so I won’t hold it against you. Hi, Rose.” He took her hand and shook it firmly. Rose grinned.

“Have those goofs been treating you well?”

“Hey, if anything, he’s the goof,” Dave butted in, rubbing his elbow. Roxy wrapped herself around him again as soon as he was upright, despite the stain the broken vaccines left on the front of his shirt. “I could’ve been stabbed by that shit. And I think you scraped me. I need that elbow, Roxy.”

“Hush Dave, I’m trying to make a friend,” Rose chided. “So. He pushed you out a window and you flew, right?”

John threw her a perplexed look. “Alright, knowing my name is one thing, but...you weren’t there, were you?”

“No, I wasn’t there. But I did see what happened approximately…” she did some counting in her head, pointing at invisible figures in the air. “An hour? Probably an hour before it happened.”

At this point, nothing should have really surprised John. And it really didn’t shock him that Rose was telling him that she saw the future, but damn was he confused. So much was happening. His head hurt a little. Rose seemed to pick up on this, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Would you like me to spare you the details until later, or just overwhelm you now so you don’t need to ask as many questions later?”

“How come she gets that choice and I don’t?”

“Because she’s a fucking seer, Dave. Stop whining.”

“Asshole.”

“Jerk.”

“Douche.”

“Penis breath.”

“ _Dong lord_.”

“Oh, come on you two,” Roxy groaned. “Not in front of company. You’re embarrassing.”

“It’s okay, I’m used to it now,” John muttered, earning a chuckle from Rose.

“It took Roxy and I a while to get used to it. I’m glad you were quicker to become accustomed, they do some stupid shit.”

John laughed genuinely at that one. This lady, roughly his age, spared a curse word for the description of two whom John could only describe just as Dave had said before: dong lords. When they were doing business, they were scary as shit, but when you were suddenly on their side and left in a room with them for more than ten minutes...well, they become a lot less terrifying. But despite how intimidating they might have looked at the hospital, if these people were going up against Englis)( Incorporated by themselves John didn’t think they would make it very far. But then again, they did have supernatural powers. So that might up their chances.

His thoughts flashed back to his sister as soon as he thought of the corporation she worked for, and he felt his stomach drop. She was going to die if he didn’t get her soon. He wanted to voice this out loud, but his mouth ran dry as the image of her speared on a trident flashed to mind. Rose rubbed his shoulder sympathetically.

“Something on your mind? Your sister, maybe?”

Having long given up on how-do-you-know-these-random-facts-about-my-life tirade, John simply let his shoulders slump. “She is literally at Condy’s side every minute she works. How are we supposed to get her? And once she’s out, what’s next? I don’t think we can just toss her out of a building and expect some crazy shit to happen like those assholes did to me. I’m not going to hold a gun to her head and hope she’ll develop telekinesis and throw it out of my hands. I just...can’t do that.”

The room went silent, save for the wind that whistled in the cracks of the walls. Dave untangled from himself and approached the blue eyed man, his hands in his pockets. “You wanna know how I got my hold on an aspect? My brother stabbed me with a katana. Not that bitch over there,” he nodded back to Dirk. “I’m talking our big late brother Broderick. He stabbed me in the back, and after about two minutes of bleeding out on the floor, I transported an hour back into the past. And you know what I did? I told him to patch me up, and then stab me in an hour. Scared the shit out of him, too, I was still bleeding out like crazy. He knew about the aspect shit, but he just never knew how to give us that final push. He was at war with himself over it for years. He told us that he’d look at us when we were babies and just mull over the fact that at some point, we’d have to have near death experiences.”

If John could’ve seen Dave’s eyes, he would’ve seen a sadness that he hadn’t experienced in a while.

“He never got his aspect. He was arrested once and given the final dose against his will. But he supported us through that shit. He was a mundy, but he died a hero’s death for what we can only assume was for irony’s sake.”

John wasn’t sure why irony was an important factor in their odd family, but he figured it was best he didn’t question it at that moment. Dave put his hands on John’s shoulders, forcing him to look up at him. Had he been staring at the ground? Yeah, he had.

“It’s got to happen at some point. I mean, I don’t care when it happens. We can wait it out, if you want. Plan it in a safe environment. Maybe you should ask her about it once we’ve got her. But either way, if we don’t get her soon, she’s gonna be chilling with our bro in mundy hell.”

Something about that last sentence rubbed John the wrong way, and he visibly bristled. Dave instantly lifted his hands in surrender, and Rose smacked the red eyed boy.

“You could’ve been more tactful.”

Dave shrugged. “It had to be said!”

“Jesus christ, you’re stupid,” Dirk scoffed.

“No, you’re stupid.”

“Can we all just agree that you’re both stupid and get my sister the fuck away from that witch?”

-

John was missing.

Jane couldn’t remember the last time she had freaked out like this. Even when their father left for work last (which had been months ago), she hadn’t panicked as much as she was for her brother at this moment.

He was just going to get his vaccine, wasn’t he? She had called into the hospital and they said that yes, he had been there, but they refused to give up any more information than that due to confidentiality and some sort of involvement of the law. The law, for goodness sake! What the hell did he do?

Jane paced around their house, fidgeting. Did she call Meenah? On one hand, that could get her in trouble and possible cost her a job. But on the other hand, because she told Her Imperious Condescension, she may be exempt from the consequences. But turn on her own brother just to see him safe? There was no way he would be allowed home with a warning. The police were unforgiving here. Lord English and the Condescension kept everybody in line with the militia he has built, as well as an entire crew of hitmen and an assasin. Would they send Jack Noir after John? A shudder ran through Jane. She sure hoped it didn’t come to that.

Their father flashed back into her mind. When was the last time they actually saw him? He had been so admant on Jane working where she did, and now he was out there working, not even bothering to contact them. The last thing she had ever said to him had been in the heat of an argument, and had not been a very pleasant parting phrase at all. She still felt guilt over it.

They always kept a spot for him at the table. Just in case.

She didn’t want to have to save a spot for John, too.

Picking up her phone, Jane tried calling John again, waiting as it rang several times. Another missed call. With a worried sigh, she grabbed a pullover from the closet and made her way to the door. She needed to talk to somebody, and the only option she had at that moment was Meenah.

If she had been listening any closer, she would have heard the muffled ringing sounds originating from upstairs.

-

John wanted to answer the phone, he really did, but the Striders wouldn’t let him. It would give up their location, they had explained. John still thought that was some stupid shit. Jane was always a worrier. It seemed to be an instinct of hers. The only problem was that she made rash decisions, sometimes. And she was stubborn. So stubborn.

Speaking of stubborn, Dirk had lead them to the address John had given, his pointed shades glowing with what John could only assume was a computer built into the eyewear. Said man insisted that he lead, so that they didn’t fuck anything up (“Don’t worry, he’s always a control freak,” Dave muttered, earning a smack upside the head). Currently, the three of them stood atop the roof of the Egbert-Crocker residence.

Now that he had a good look at the neighborhood, he couldn’t suppress the feeling of being trapped. All of the houses looked exactly the same. How had he never noticed? Each house had precisely the same design, only to be varied by lawn ornaments and toys in the front yards. None of them were even painted a different color. They all remained a stark white with grey accents (if you could even call them that, they didn’t do shit to make things visually appealing), just as they had when John could first register what his house looked like. That was actually really fucking creepy, John realized.

His thoughts were cut short when he noticed his sister walking out the front door, dialing into her phone. John was about ready to jump down and tell her everything was okay, but two different sets of hands held him back.

“Remember the plan,” Dirk whispered. “Just let us do the work, and soothe her if necessary.”

Dirk gave John a short glare, and Dave patted him on the shoulder. “You’ve learned, my dear grasshopper. I am proud.”

John gave him a sarcastic bow before the two went in after Jane.

-

As cheesy as it sounded, Jane couldn’t shake the feeling that somebody was watching her. The fact that John was nowhere to be found was enough to make her paranoid, really. But something as stereotypical as that? Jane was disappointed with herself.

That is, until she realized that her suspicions were correct. Then she was incredibly proud of her paranoia.

Two hands found their way onto her body, one snaking around her waist and the other covering her mouth. The owner of these hands shushed her softly, which only made her want to scream more.

“Hey, hey, stop that. We’re not going to kill you, it’s okay.”

We? There’s more than one?! Fucking nuts, this was not Jane’s day. She tried to yell around the hand at her mouth, but her words were smothered.  Well, if words didn’t work, maybe actions would!

“Jesus fuck, she bit me!”

“ _Who the hell are you?_ ” she all but shrieked as soon as the hand was away from her face. The man kept his grip on her waist, cradling his hand for a split second before wrapping that one around her as well.

“We’re good guys!” came another voice, this time from in front of her. She squinted into the darkness, making out a figure wearing aviator sunglasses...at night? “I know you really don’t want to, but you’re going to have to trust us and let us take you and your car.”

“Why in the name of all that is holy would I do that?”

“Because I’m here,” John said quietly. “Jane, you’re going to wake up the entire neighborhood! Settle down.”

Jane’s captor allowed her to look to the sound, and if you had asked her later, she would have admitted that a few tears of joy escaped her, oh yes they did. Either that, or she was just incredibly overwhelmed by the situation. Maybe both.

“John, oh my god. What the fuck is happening?”

“Wow, are you really stressed enough to swear?”

“Dude, she’s going to wrench herself out of my grasp and punch you in the face. I hope you know that.”

“Let her go then, Dirk. I totally deserve it, it was a shitty thing to say.”

Hesitantly, Dirk let Jane go. The first thing she did with her newfound freedom was turn around and slap him in the face. And then she marched over and slapped the aviator man in the face, too. By the time she reached John, he had already braced himself for the hit that didn’t come. Instead, she hugged him tightly, the few tears she had shed soaking into his shirt. When he finally relaxed, she reeled back and slapped him. Hard.

“You idiot. I was worried sick! Explain yourself!”

Three men, massaging their jaws at different ginger paces, were at a loss at what to tell her that wouldn’t cause them any more injury. John was the first to speak up sheepishly.

“...Can I explain on the ride?”

-

“So I went in to get the vaccine, right? And then these two assholes show up and push me out a window- let me finish!” Jane’s eyes had widened in a bit of what John assumed was a protective anger. “Keep your eyes on the road, too. I don’t want to almost die a second time today.”

“Almost die?”

“I said let me finish! So yeah, I fell out of the building, but before I could hit the ground...I sort of summoned the wind to save me? It sounds really stupid out loud, I know. But it happened. And those two assholes from earlier? They explained it to me.”

“We’re right here, you know,” Dave glowered from the back seat. Dirk hit him upside the head for a second time that day.

“Just let them have a moment, dipshit.”

“Right,” John stated. “Do you know what the T12 Scratch Vaccine is all about, Jane? Like, what it does?”

“It’s supposed to prevent some sort of alternian illness, isn’t it? Multiple illnesses, actually.”

“Basically, Everything we’ve been taught about that vaccine is bullshit. That “Alternian illness” stuff was basically pulled out of the Witch’s ass. Sorry,” John apologized at her flinch. “I know that you have a close relationship with her, but I’ve seen some crazy shit in these few hours. As soon as the cops noticed I survived the drop, I was being aimed at! How crazy is that? They’re supposed to protect us, right? Then why would they do that?”

Jane only pursed her lips, continuing to drive with a few murmured directions from the back seat. She wasn’t entirely convinced. But she went along with it anyway. Dirk suddenly piped up.

“I might be able to help convince you, once we get there.”

Dave and John both gave him incredulous looks, which he returned with a grimace. “Rose told me that I’m going to do something to convince her. I can’t tell you exactly what I’m going to do, but I just thought I’d get it out there,” he paused. “What I can tell you, Jane, is that if you haven’t gotten your vaccine, I know what aspect you’d be able to use, should it be unlocked.”

“And what exactly is that?”

“Life.”

There was another silence, save for the wheels against the gravel road. Dirk didn’t elaborate, and Dave sighed. John had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Life? That was a pretty vague thing. Could she create it? Or destroy it? Would she be able to heal shit? Who knew. But as curious as he was, John still felt shaky about the ‘unlocking’ part of it. Jane shook her head.

“I don’t even know your names. What am I doing?”

“Listening to your only family member.”

Both of the dark haired siblings visibly tensed, and Dave knew instantly it was a terrible thing to say. “Sorry. I spoke from experience instead of fact. I’ll shut up, now. Er, My name is Dave, by the way. Strider. And that guy is my brother.”

There was no response for a while. When the warehouse was in view, John gave a terse “We’re here” before telling Jane to park in the field. The car was shut off, and all four of them piled out, an awkward silence settle between them. Jane leaned against the trunk of her car.

“So,” she started slowly. “What was this convincing you had to do, Mister Strider?”

Dirk grimaced, walking towards her just as slowly as her words had been. “Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry about this.”

The other three were about to question what that meant before a knife seemingly materialized in Dirk’s hand before disappearing into the flesh under Jane’s collarbone.

-

Roxy could hear the chorus of curses before she could actually see them enter the warehouse. Dirk had Jane in a threshold carry, her sweatshirt rapidly staining with blood. The Lalonde simply gave him an understanding nod.

“Put her down, you motherfucker,” John growled at him. “I’m gonna kick your ass!”

“Settle down, Egbert, she’ll be fine.”

“Dude, even I want to kick your ass,” Dave said, shaking the remaining shock from his head and rushing to Jane’s side. “Roxy, we’ve got bandages, right-”

Said bandages had already been pushed gently into his hand. Dave muttered a thanks, moving to remove Jane’s pullover. John stopped him.

“Wait, shouldn’t we have other females do this? She could be topless under her pullover-”

“John,” Jane gasped. Fuck, she was pale already. John struggled to keep his breath even. “To be perfectly honest with you, I could give less of a shit who sees my bosom, should it be out in the open underneath this sweatshirt.”

“Actually, that shouldn’t even be necessary,” Dirk said from the doorway, where he had escaped to after setting her down. “Jane. I know you probably want to stab me. But listen to me for a couple seconds. First, take the knife out.”

She gave him a disbelieving look. “Won’t I lose more blood?”

“Yes. But just humor me here.”

Jane cried as the knife was removed, more blood seeping into the fabric of her clothing. She took it upon herself to raise the sweatshirt over her head, John helping her raise her head out of the neck hole. The wound was clean, but still terrible to look at. Splotches of blood stained her tank top and her skin from where it had rubbed off of her sweatshirt. “Okay, now what?”

“Concentrate really hard on that spot, and imagine that it’s not there.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me-”

“Jane, please. Before you pass out.”

And so she did what she was told, focusing as hard as she could on the wound and wishing that it wasn’t there. Her eyes swam in pain, but the harder she thought about it not existing, the better it got. In fact, after a few moments, she didn’t feel any pain at all.

What she hadn’t been able to see with her eyes screwed shut was how the wound began to glow a shade of cyan, fading into a bright green as it closed itself up. Dave’s jaw dropped. John kind of wanted to throw up. Dirk gave a smug grin.

“What did I tell you?”

“Shit, I’ve always wanted to see that aspect in person…”

“What the actual fuck?”

That was just about all Jane heard before she promptly passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Questions? Concerns? Message me at cyan-shananigans.tumblr.com or Hammer over at burnieplease.tumblr.com! Or leave a comment here. 'Cause that's super cool too.


	3. The Amazing Blonde Duo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Wow I should have finished this ages ago. Anyways, hi dolls! Hammer here. Sorry this took so long, and I hope you enjoy it! The plot picks up next chapter, so let's wait anxiously for Time to finish it, shall we? ^^))

Roxy had heard plenty about Jane Crocker and John Egbert through both her sister and Dave. Dave's stories were more embarrassing (At least for him, but like hell if she didn't laugh at them just the same) while Rose's were a bit more factual, so she felt like she got a well rounded view of what type of people they'd be before she'd met them. And while her first meeting with John had been semi-pleasant, watching a nice girl bleed out in front of her was decidedly, well, not.

When she collapsed after fainting, a lot of things unravelled at once. Dirk was punched rather hard in the jaw by an angry John, Dave had to pull his new found friend back to avoid him from tackling his brother, Rose began to tug Jane away from the commotion and everyone, everyone, was talking at once.  
  
Unacceptable.  
  
" _Hey!_ " was said at the top of her voice in a bark, drowning out any anger from Dirk and John at each other, Dave trying to talk John down or Rose telling them to quiet down. The room fell silent, at least for a second, while Roxy crouched down to Jane's slumped figure, which Rose had moved towards her, looking her over momentarily. She was breathing just fine, and everyone knew that the wound was gone, so with that she stood up. A hand flew out, pointing at the shorter Strider, "Dave, take Boy Blue over there to his room. Dirk, apologize for stabbing his sister, put yourself in his shoes real quick and have a little humanity, and Rose, go grab one of my sweatshirts. Preferably that cute one that Mom got me for Christmas, with the blue frills."  
  
"He just punched me," Dirk pointed out, his hand going to cover an obvious bruise against his jaw while Rose glanced at him as she walked past, away from the scene. At this, Roxy simply rolled her eyes, turning to face him.  
  
"You stabbed his sister. Imagine if he showed up an hour ago, stabbed Dave and then said, 'Hey buddy, time travel for me'," Roxy argued, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
"But-"  
  
"If you pulled that on Rose, I _literally_ would have killed you," She clarified, leaning forward a little simply to appear condescending. If there was one thing she didn't like, it was attacking helpless people and Jane looked to be the epitome of it. "Be lucky it was just a punch."  
  
She stared Dirk down for a moment before he relented, glancing at John. The younger man was standing with his hand being inspected by himself, his knuckles bleeding and slightly bruised. "Sorry," He said shortly, and John rolled his eyes at the lack of empathy in the statement.  
  
"I can hear how much you mean it," John snapped back, still glaring as he cradled his hand to his chest. He was tempted to punch him again, but after doing that to Dave earlier as well, his hand was sore enough.  
  
"Bro, that's the best you're going to get from him," Dave admitted, patting John's shoulder once, trying to calm him down, "Come on man, Jane's fine, I promise, Roxy and Rose will take care of her, and they've patched us up more times than I can count. She'll wake up in the morning with a temper and perfect health."  
  
Glancing back at his sister again and getting a worried expression, John sighed, glaring back at Dirk, "Promise?" He questioned Dave, even as he and Dirk shared mutually annoyed looks with each other.  
  
"Cross my blackened heart. Now come on, I'll show you towards your room." Bumping John's arm a little, Dave began to walk away, forcing John to rip his gaze away from Dirk and to Dave's retreating back as he followed.  
  
When the room was empty of younger kids, Roxy looked down at Jane before up at Dirk. "You know that you're supposed to be besties with her, right?" She asked, crossing her arms and popping out her hip in a way that her mother had done when she was being scolded.  
  
"Yeah," He sighed, rubbing at his jaw a little, "Rose told me, that damn troll friendship or whatever."  
  
"Moirails," She chimed in helpfully, and even behind those pointed shades she knew his eyes were squinted in annoyance.  
  
"Yeah, that."  
  
"So your first step of getting there was to _stab_ her?" She asked, raising two pale eyebrows highly.  
  
"Look, if I didn't do that for her, nobody would. It would have taken her way too long to get her aspect and learn to control it." Letting his hand fall away from his face, he looked down at the blood stained girl, "I did what I was supposed to. I didn't like it, but it's my job so the fact that you're busting my hump over this shit is starting to bite."  
  
"Good." Scrunching up her nose at him, Roxy crouched down again, gathering up the ruined and discarded clothing that Jane had been stripped of earlier. "You deserved to be annoyed for not giving her warning."  
  
"Oh but when Dave does that with John and throws him out a building it's a riot, right?" He crossed his own arms over his chest, looking down as Roxy began to prop Jane's head up with the bundled material.  
  
"No, but Dave still got punched, have you seen his nose? And he didn't whine over it and act like it was crazy that John got pissed over him. Rose and I have been around you guys for what, like, seven years now? And you two still have the relationship skills of a cup.  
  
"Stabbing?" She shook her head, giving a hum, "That's a no-no Dirky. Throwing people out a building?" She wagged a finger with overly wide eyes, "That's a naughty thing to do! Communicating like a real human being and not nearly murdering someone?" Roxy gave an over the top gasp, putting a hand to the side of her face as if she'd just realized something incredible, "It's almost like that's a _good_ thing!"  
  
Dirk stared at her for around ten seconds before turning, walking out of the common room that all this had taken place in, "I'm going to bed."  
  
"Love you," She called after him, getting the finger in return. This caused her to smile a little as she sat back, looking down at Jane. She was getting color back in her face, which was already a good thing, but Rose had been sure of the fact that it would take a long while for Jane to trust them.  
  
This may have been a bit of a setback.

-

  
"Dude, breathe."  
  
"I can't believe I was stupid enough to go along with this!" John covered his face with his hands, hardly mindful of his glasses as he paced back and forth in front of the makeshift bed he'd been given.  
  
He'd been saying this statement for roughly ten minutes in different variations of wording, and at this point, while Dave could understand, it was starting to grind his gears more than a little. Dirk was the one that had fucked up here, but it had ruined John's trust for the whole team. Kinda unfair if you ask him.  
  
"Okay." Patting his knees once before standing from where he was on the floor, he stepped directly in front of John, nearly causing him to collide into the blond before he stopped himself. John glared at him, but Dave continued none the less, "Dirk fucked up. He shouldn't have done that, dick move on his part, fuck him, yada yada yada. Stabbing your sis was the wrong way of going about getting her Aspect. Yet you can't ignore the fact that right now she's completely fine. And if she hadn't of been fine, it wouldn't have happened."  
  
".... What do you mean?" John asked, crossing his arms loosely over his chest.  
  
"If Jane had died, I would have just gone back and stopped it before Dirk could have stabbed her," He shrugged, "AKA she was fine no matter what. Seeing as some panic stricken Dave didn't pop up outside the car right before Dirk did it, we're in the clear with it."  
  
John threw up his hands a little at that, turning around completely with a groan, "Still! Just- Ugh. I know that this is a real thing, but it doesn't _feel_ real, okay?" Dave raised an eyebrow in a silent question, and glancing back, it caused John to elaborate, "I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to think on any of this! All I know is that I went to go get a shot today and it ended with getting thrown out a building, nearly getting my sister killed and camping out in a decrepit warehouse with a dude who tried to kill me."  
  
"Hey this warehouse is a home, don't refer to it as decrepit, it has feelings," Dave started off, causing John to glance back at him again simply from the sincerity of his tone, "And second off yeah. That shit happened. You also flew and discovered that your sister has the best fucking life insurance this side of the asteroid belt, I'm not really seeing a flaw here. Look, from this point on, I promise there'll be no more surprises. "  
  
John's shoulders slumped just a touch at that, because while he hated to admit it, Dave did have a point. As horrible as the sight may have been, John now at least knew that nothing would happen to his sister without her being able to at least try to fix it. And he himself could _fly_ , that was pretty insane. Sitting down on his bed, he draped his forearms over his knees, his head dropping against them, "This is all so messed up."  
  
Dave nodded a little in agreement, trying to figure out the appropriate course of action here. Did he comfort him? Considering everything, part of him felt like he should leave him to his peace. But from the John he'd met before, he wasn't that emotionally sound of a person; freaked out at the little things, stony faced at the big. Would that classify this as a little thing then?  
  
His answer was given to him, however, when John gave a deep sigh, his shoulders hunching a touch, "Could you go?"  
  
It stung when Dave heard it, more than he was willing to admit, but it was also completely expected which really fucking sucked. Dave nodded again even with John unable to see him, realizing that this friendship was gonna need faith, trust and pixie dust by the goddamned gallon.  
  
He was so fucked.  
  
The door to the gutted storage closet was shut quietly as Dave left, on his way to his own bunk with no clue how John was ever going to find him to be something even comparable to a friend.

-

  
Roxy nearly jumped out of her skin when the person next to her flew into sitting position, gasping loudly with a hand over an invisible wound in their chest.  
  
"Jesus Janey," The blonde greeted, looking down at the sweater in her hands momentarily before up at the wide eyed girl. She'd been trying to patch up Jane's original top, the newcomer now donned in her own favorite sweater, when she'd woken up far more dramatically than expected, causing Roxy to pull the thread too tight. Damn.  
  
"What?" Jane asked immediately, her expression scrunching in confusion before she glanced around a little. Before too long, her expression slackened, he hand falling away from her chest, "Oh no. It wasn't just a dream."  
  
"Nope," Roxy shrugged, setting down the needle, thread and cardigan in a pile, "But if it makes you feel any better, Dirk is in a lot of trouble."  
  
When she got a confused look in return, Roxy realized that wow, she probably should explain what the hell had happened and was going on. "Dirk was the guy that stabbed you," She clarified, and Jane winced heavily at that, "And I'm Roxy Lalonde. The person trying to fix your top." She glanced down at the material on the ground, and Jane looked too, surprised to see that the blood had been scrubbed out of her cardigan. Looking down, she realized she was wearing an new overshirt, having been recovered after the incident.  
  
"Who- Why-" Waving a hand and giving a sigh, Jane pinched the bridge of her nose under her glasses, closing her eyes momentarily, "How am I alive?" That was the first question that she really wanted an answer to, because right now she felt... fine. Chipper, actually, if she wasn't so annoyed with the situation at hand.  
  
And she'd definitely remembered the feeling of a slim blade sliding into her skin, which made her shudder.  
  
"Your Aspect," Roxy hummed, going back to patching up Jane's clothing, "You have 'Life', as Rose so ominously stated."  
  
"Rose?"  
  
"My little sister," She clarified, giving a little smile.  
  
"And Life?"  
  
"Healing capabilities," Roxy clicked her tongue as she accidentally pricked her finger, "Which thank god because I'm tired of patching up people who have no regards for their own safety."  
  
When she was met with silence, she looked over, almost wondering if Jane was asleep from the way that her head was ducked and her hands were over her face. However when she moved again, she moved to stand, "I need to go home."  
  
"No!" Roxy was up on her knees with her hands held up in surrender to sate her guest, who was actually startled by the sudden movement, "You can't. I know you have to hate us and I know it seems a bit like you're a hostage right now and you probably want to go chill in a stellar house that has heating and air conditioning, but right now you really can't leave."  
  
"And just why not?" Jane questioned, giving a huff, "It's been a bad day so far, Ms. Lalonde, I'm not really looking forward to sleeping on the floor after being stabbed."

"Then you can have my bed," Roxy offered, "Just. Hear me out, okay? If both you and John want to leave in the morning, I'll personally escort you back to your house. But I'mma talk for a few minutes just to explain everything. Or, well, what I can."  
  
Jane seemed unconvinced, but settled back down, still looking at the blonde critically. Setting down Jane's shirt, Roxy crossed her legs and laced her fingers together, setting them on her lap, "So! Where should I start?"  
  
"... Why are John and I here?" Jane queried.  
  
"To take on Englis)( Corp. with us and bring it to the ground."  
  
"And why would I do that to my current employer and mentor?" The dark haired girl asked, looking vaguely confused if not a little insulted.  
  
“‘Cause she's a raging bitch who's brought the entire human and Alternian race under her control by dumbing down their own personal powers and Aspects simply so they're susceptible when she uses them as pawns in her own game of trying to take over other planets? And teamed up with some insane douchebag who's a Cherub which is like a demi-god who's known on other planets for brutalizing beings by the millions and will totes do that to everyone on this planet with Condy's done with us?"  
  
Jane actually rolled her eyes at that, "That's the most ridiculous thing I may have ever heard!"  
  
"Oh really? Right after you just woke up from healing your own stab wound and your brother admitted to being able to fly?" Jane opened her mouth for a rebuttal, but Roxy just raised a hand, "Anyways! Point being, that's why you're here. It's your purpose if you wanna get all deep about it."  
  
"If this is your goal, why didn't you make an attempt to do this without me and John?" She asked, "Are you trying to tell me you had to wait for a six person team before you were willing to take on an innocent company?"  
  
Roxy cringed heavily at 'innocent', but continued none the less, "Eight, actually."  
  
"Eight?"  
  
"The other two aren't coming for a little while. All I know from my two sources you two come along, we train you up on how to defend yourselves, we get two more people, and bam, we're a full team."  
  
"And your two sources are...?"  
  
"Dave, the dude with the not dumb sunglasses, and Rose, my sister."  
  
"And exactly how are they sources?"  
  
"Well Dave I don't get the full picture on, seeing as he knows stuff but puts it through a ringer of bullshit and metaphors before delivering that hot mess to us, but I know that he travels through different time lines, getting the dig on things." When met with a disbelieving look, Roxy laughed a little, "Yeah it's pretty ridiculous. His Aspect is Time, so he can pull a Sci-Fi novel and zip into the future or back in the past. He doesn't do it much though, something about messing with crap he's not supposed to."

"And what about your sister?" Her companion questioned, now looking a bit more curious than before as she tipped her head a little.  
  
"Eh, her Aspect is a little. Odd. Unlike the rest of us she doesn't really choose when she gets information, it's kind of like a steady but small flow in the back of her head. Unless she's sleeping, but she doesn't really talk about the logistics of it with anyone anymore."  
  
"How old is she?"  
  
"Twenty," Roxy smiled a little, "She was twelve when she got her Aspect."  
  
"Twelve! My goodness." Jane covered her mouth with her fingertips, knowing what that must have entailed, "What happened?"  
  
Sighing a little at that, the blonde seemed to deflate just a touch before dismissing the discomfort the subject brought. She pulled black painted lips into a smile as she began to explain, "When I was fifteen and she was twelve, Rose got sick. We had no idea what it was at first, but it was causing her to have blackouts, seizures, all sorts of bad stuff. Turned out to be heart problems. Everyone told us she was terminal.  
  
"At one point her heart was stopping for long periods, but Mom refused to take her off of life support. We had tons of money, so keeping her on it wasn't an expense that was draining or anything. Not to mention that there was no way in hell either of us were just gonna pull the plug and let her drop." Plucking at her fingernails idly as she thought back on it, Roxy's face scrunched up in distress, "Then her heart stopped for four minutes and they nearly stopped any treatment."  
  
"I'm so sorry," Jane murmured, watching as Roxy cleared her throat and waved a dismissive hand. While she wasn't cued in on the relationship between the two sisters, she could tell that it had to have been difficult. The idea of that even happening with John was enough to make her blanch, but she was pulled away from the thought when Roxy spoke again.  
  
"It's totally chill, no worries," Roxy assured, flashing a smile that looked only a little forced as she dove back in, "Anyways! They stopped giving her CPR and about ten seconds later she sat pin straight and started talking total nonsense.  
  
"She began babbling about all these random things that would never happen in a million years, and yet she was so set on them and flipping total shit that I may not believe her when she noticed that I looked at her like she was batshit crazy. She started going on and on about Imperial Forces visiting our house and taking our mother away while we were gone. Rose blabbed about a boy in blue who'd save our lives with Wind, a girl in black with the powers of Space in her pocket and a boy in red to find her with shaded eyes in the middle of the night. All these people who were her friends and were going to save the world with her. She talked about them like she'd known them for years.  
  
"She talked about how I was going to fade into the dark when I was afraid, about a lady with round, red glasses and light blue eyes would save her the next time she died." Jane looked stunned at this part, but Roxy continued, shaking her head a little with a grin simply from her expression. "She was insistent on saying that there'd be a man with square glasses shooting down an enemy half a mile away with a mere pistol, and talked about a man with blond hair was going to save her and me. Save us after our mother died.  
  
"I was worried listening to her, but because I thought that she was just getting more and more sick, but Mom took every word to heart, seeming to get more and more solemn as the days went on and the stories got more ridiculous. I thought it was just fever dreams at first, but soon enough Rose began to get better. Stronger. after a month she was able to actually leave the hospital, and I cried like a little kid and hugged her until she had to pry me away with a crowbar." Jane smiled as Roxy laughed a little, "Speaking of, I totally need to go hug her before I go to bed. But yeah, so after about, what, six months? Imperial forces began popping up at our door, just like Rose had said. Like, down to a T of what she'd described. They were asking for her, and I'd lie and say she was resting, and then they'd ask for my Mom and I'd have to say she was working even if she was just listening in from the other side of the door. I was the only one that was able to talk to them and and at the time I didn't know why.  
  
"Rose, after the first few days of foot soldiers, had another vision in a dream. She woke up panicking about Mom being taken."  
  
Roxy paused for a moment, staring off before giving a sigh, "She didn't even hesitate on what to do. I think she had it planned, because through all of this she seemed so level headed and refusing to give us our vaccines, she had to have known what was gonna happen. Mom gave us all the money she had on her, had us pack up a few backpacks, and told us to leave. Immediately.  
  
"It was the last time we saw here," Roxy admitted, fiddling with her fingers idly as she looked up at Jane, "Rose never quite forgave herself, ya know? She thinks it's her fault that we were getting visited. Because of the visions and the hospital staff hearing what she was saying, all that jazz. Turns out it was a combination of her visions and that when she was in the hospital the staff saw that none of us had gotten our vaccines and began targeting both her and our Mom for questioning. About a month later, she woke up crying when we were camped in some crappy hotel room saying that she'd seen Condy execute-"

Closing her eyes for a minute, Roxy fell quiet, causing Jane's brow to furrow at the unfinished sentence. After ten seconds of silence in the room, Roxy definitely forced a smile, sitting up a bit straighter, "Anyways, we were on the run for about two months before the Stri-Dorks met up with us. Funny enough, Rose and Dave knew each other, he'd seen her in one of his weird timelines and she'd seen him when she slept and in her minds eye or whatever. We paired up with'em, and we've been together ever since. They're the brothers I never really wanted and I can't imagine living without them. Seven years is a long time, and you've only got about an hour in with them, and yeah, Dirk did stab you-" Jane winced at that as did Roxy, but she continued, "But trust me when I say, we already knew you'd be okay."

"I trust I'm not interrupting anything," A voice rang in, causing both heads to turn to look at the door. The girl standing there looked similar to Roxy, same hair and same shaped eyes with a bit of a different nose, with a plate and glass in hand.  
  
"Not at all!" Jane assured, watching the girl walk in and pass her the food. It appeared to be chicken and potatoes, with a glass of water and a black lipped smile in greeting.  
  
"Rose Lalonde, it's a pleasure," Rose introduced, "But I'm assuming you could have guessed that due to genetics being fairly unoriginal with our matching faces."  
  
"Jane Crocker," Jane offered up in return, looking between them with a bit of a smile, "And I suppose I can say that yes, it wasn't too far of a leap."  
  
"I'm glad I caught you when you were awake," Rose said as she sat next to her sister, but the way she said it made Jane feel as if she'd known the exact second she was meant to intrude on the conversation that had been at hand, "But as good at it is to catch up, you may want to get some sleep."  
  
"True. Dirk's a total hardass on waking up at the crack of noon," Roxy teased.  
  
"We will have to wake up earlier than that, however," Jane pointed out, causing Roxy to raise both of her eyebrows.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I need to be to work by 8:30," She said on instinct, watching as Roxy scrunched up her nose and Rose's mouth barely twitched upwards in the corner.  
  
"Jane-" Roxy began, but was cut off by Rose standing instead.  
  
"We can have you and John home at eight," The younger Lalonde assured, causing Roxy to look up at her with a disturbed expression.  
  
"Really?" Jane asked, "Because Roxy did say-"  
  
"I know. Have no worries, I'll have you awoken and driven back to your home by eight. Roxy, can you follow me?" Glancing down at her sister, Roxy opened her mouth argue before giving a defeated sigh, letting her head hang for a moment.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming I'm comin'." Pushing herself to stand, Roxy began to follow her sister to her own room, glancing back to wave at Jane and getting a 'goodnight' in return. When they were out of earshot, Roxy tapped her shoulder, "What the hell, Rose! She needs to stay!"  
  
"And?" Rose shrugged a little, "We'll have them home by eight, they'll see what's happened to their house by 8:03, and we'll leave their with extra supplies, their trust and them by 8:32."  
  
"Wait seriously?" Roxy looked honestly surprised.  
  
"It looks like Condescension did the work for us in the department of driving our new friends to be our allies as well," Rose ended the conversation with, wiggling her eyebrows a little before disappearing down the hallway, leaving Roxy to give a sigh of relief to herself.

  
-

  
"John. John. John. Egbert. Egbert. Eg- Son of a bitch."  
  
John gave a yelp as he was poked just right in the side, moving to sit up only to be shushed quietly by a figure standing over him. Squinting his eyes hopelessly, his hand scrambled around the mat he was sleeping on until he found his glasses, putting them on. He was looking up at Dave, who was leaning over him with his hands on his knees as light poured in the dingy window John hadn't even realized was in his room. "What?" He asked quietly.  
  
"Time to go," Dave said, patting John's shoulder, "You've gotta get up."  
  
"Go?"  
  
"Yup. According to Lalonde, you, your sis and the amazing blonde chick duo are due on the road in about five minutes."  
  
"Go where?"  
  
"From what I heard? Home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Comments, questions, concerns? Message me at burnieplease.tumblr.com or Time at cyan-shenanigans.tumblr.com ^^ Thanks for reading lovelies~))


	4. ...Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so freaking sorry that this is so late! I've been studying for tests and doing the holiday thing with family, and also struggling to make my internet connection consistent. But we're here now.  
> A lot happened in real life, so a lot happens in this chapter. Enjoy!  
> -Time

Despite the incident having nothing to do with his driving, Dirk wasn’t allowed to take them to the Egbert-Crocker residence. Instead, the two brothers (whom John told Jane were “the dong lords”) remained back at base to make sure nothing bad happened while they were gone.

From what John could tell, Jane was perfectly alright with staying fairly far away from that guy, for the time being.

“So you’re actually taking us home?” John asked again before they set out, Dave walking alongside them up to the car.

“Yep. Back to the comfort of your own home with you, Egbert. Say goodbye to this decrepit warehouse and the dude who tried to kill you,” he answered, his voice surprisingly light. John winced.

“Sorry.”

“No need to be. Just head off, it’s all good. I’ll chill here doing my anarchy shit, if you need me.” The two stopped in front of the car, and Dave shot his hand out at John. “Nice to meet you, John Egbert.”

John eyed the hand suspiciously, but took it anyway. “...Likewise?”

“And to you, Miss Crocker,” he said, taking her hand and offering a chivalrous kiss to it. Jane looked as if she wasn’t sure whether to smile or slap him in the face. Her cheeks were dusted pink as she gave a quiet and questioning “to you, as well?” before turning to the car, picking at a loose string on the sweater she wore.

Dave smiled, the action tight and unnatural, before turning on his heel and heading back to the warehouse. The fuck was up with this guy?

“John,” Jane whispered as soon as he caught up with her. “Didn’t Dave say he controlled time or something like that?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Do you think he knows something that we don’t?”

This was why Jane was the smart one in the family. Wow. John actually felt really idiotic now, of course Dave knew something was up. Whether it be his doing or Rose’s, something was going to happen to them on this trip. John was a little livid with these guys, to be honest. So much shit happens in such little time, and now even more shit is destined to happen? He can fly now. And Jane is apparently immortal? Their regular life routine was already fucked up beyond any recognition with just disappearing for the night. But adding apparently illegal superpowers to the list certainly didn’t help their case, should they need to plead themselves innocent.

The day before, John had been more than ready to silently rebel against the Condescension and English. But once he was faced with the option of helping stop them, he shut down.

Shit.

He shrugged, deciding to give Jane the benefit of the doubt. “I’m sure he knows a lot of shit we don’t.”

She only responded with a concerned glance before getting into the car. John followed, sighing heavily.

-

“So Rose says their place is trashed.”

Dirk didn’t even look up from his work, squinting as he deftly moved his fingers to place stray bolts. “And how does that affect me?”

“Well, considering we have absolutely no chance of defeating the big green guy and space Nicki Minaj without them, I think it affects everybody if they choose to come back with us.”

“Space Nicki Minaj,” the older Strider snorted. The name was before their time, but the reference was impeccable. Dirk remembered finding a newspaper clipping a while back depicting the rapper with their present dictator. The similarities were hauntingly uncanny.

“C’mon, I know the reference was great, but you can’t drop the subject. They’re powerful assholes. Remember the last attempt?”

Dirk didn’t want to remember, it was so embarrassing. They didn’t even bother infiltrating the base, because there were so many guards surrounding the place. And yet, the guards saw them anyway. One of them even shot Dave in the leg. So they retreated, their faces now known and one more casualty to add to the list.

 “We need them, Egbert and Crocker. And as far as you go, you need them in more than one way-”

“If this is about the moirail thing, you can shove whatever it is you’re going to say right up your ass,” Dirk interrupted, picking up a wrench and going back to work. Dave’s nagging instantly gave him a headache, no matter what the subject was. And it didn’t help that this time it was his least favorite subject. Talk about his dead bro, he’ll hold his tongue. Tell him that he’s too weak to take Englis)( Inc. down himself, he won’t react. But tell him that he needs to go out and be in a relationship? Unless you want a fist in your cranium, don’t fucking start with him.  

It’s just another one of those traits that made him the asshole he was.

“Grow up, dickwad. It has to happen. Might as well enjoy it.”

“It doesn’t have to happen, asshole. Nothing is set in stone.”

“Except it is,” Dave interjected, wrenching the tool from his brother’s grip.

“Dude, what the hell-”

“No. Let me talk. Fuck your robots. But not literally, because that shit’s disgusting,” Dave stated, shaking his head. “The moirail thing isn’t something you can avoid. It leads to certain events that have to happen in the alpha timeline. Any other option will literally doom us. And it isn’t even just you. Roxy and John apparently are going to have a thing, too. But with that one, we don’t even know where it’s going. Either pink or red, we have no idea. But you, sir, are a lucky one. Fucking trade that one in to the lottery. Because we know exactly where it has to go. And you can’t avoid it and survive, no matter how hard you try.”

Dirk slumped his shoulders. “Look, I’m sure this Jane girl is great, you’re the second person in the past 24 hours to tell me so, but I-”

“Don’t need anybody? Is that what you’re going to say?” Dave interrupted again, raising his voice. “Because I know for a fact that it isn’t true. You need someone. I can’t be the only person you interact with. Rose and Roxy don’t count, either,” he added when Dirk made to interject. “It’s not a matespritship. If you’re not physically attracted to her, it doesn’t fucking matter. But she has the potential to keep you sane. Don’t you want that? Somebody to confide in that won’t judge you? I really fucking think you should give her a chance. Hell, I wish she was destined to be my moirail. I’d take that Jane Crocker into my heart in a fucking snap if I needed her half as badly as fate thinks you do.” He handed the wrench back to Dirk, half expecting him to turn back to the machinery on the ground. He didn’t. “Take care of her, and she’ll take care of you. Hell knows I don’t do a good job of doing that for you.”

The orange eyed Strider softened. “I’m capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need Jane - or you, for that matter - to do it for me.”

“I can’t say much on my hand, but you’re helping her as much as she helps you. Give up all this vigilante justice in solitude bullshit, Dirk. Give her a chance.”

“I...I can’t do shit for her,” Dirk sighed, finally letting his guard down and running an oily hand through his hair. Dave set a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it, much like their Bro used to do. It wasn’t very becoming of him, but the gesture was appreciated. “I’ll give her more problems than she had before.”

“You already have helped her, numbnuts. And as tactless as you were when you did it, it still helped her.”

Hmm. He had, hadn’t he?

“As for giving her more problems, that’s something that you ultimately decide. If you tread carefully for a time, maybe she won’t push you away? Don’t be creepy about it, though. I don’t think she’d be very keen on having any relationship with fucking vintage-weeaboo-batman here. Don’t rush it. It’ll give you time to warm up to her, too.” Dave huffed a laugh. “When the hell did I become the relationship expert here? Damn, I should take my own advice sometimes.”

“Dave?”

“Huh?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

They both laughed now, Dirk snorting at his own comment. The silence that followed wasn’t entirely uncomfortable.

“Just...apologize to her when they get back, alright?” Dave stood up, leaving the room and Dirk to his thoughts.

Sure, the idea of having a moirail wasn’t unpleasant. But he just didn’t think he really needed one (no matter how much Dave or the Lalondes would tell him otherwise). He also didn’t think he deserved one. When he wasn’t guarding himself, he was needy and anxious. He always needed reassurance. He tried to never let that side of him shine through. It was easier to ignore those traits and take up some different ones. He didn’t necessarily care if those new traits made him seem like an asshole. To him, it was better this way.  

Maybe she was the one that needed it?  Yeah. That’s what he’d tell himself. And hell if he wouldn’t try to make her happy. No doubt she deserved it more than he did.

And if he needed her back later, maybe he would trust her with his secrets and shit by then.

It wasn’t until a few minutes in his train of thought that Dirk realized there was motor oil in his hair.

“Shit.”

-

“... _Shit_.”

John was absolutely shocked. Jane, however, knew as soon as she saw the three evenly spaced scratches on their door.

Her Imperious Condescension had been here.

When they entered the house, it was obvious the place had been vandalized. The couches were torn asunder, stuffing and upholstery littering the floor around them. Lamps, picture frames and even a few of the sparse harlequin figurines were smashed. It didn’t look like they were missing anything, although that may be a thing they would want to check for later. For now, all Jane and John could do was gape at the damage.

Roxy, on the other hand, was gaping at how much stuff they owned. From the doorway, she could see the living room (albeit in terrible condition, it was still better than any of the places she had slept in the past year), the kitchen (no doubt stocked up with enough to get them through months, eating as if they were on holiday every day), and even a small office (with, what was that, an electric piano? She loved music!). It took a lot of self control not to dive in and grab as much shit as she could possibly carry.

If she hadn’t known Rose as well as she did, she wouldn’t have known that the younger Lalonde was thinking the exact same thing. She was just better at hiding it than Roxy was.

“Oh my god…” Jane breathed, lightly running her hand over their destroyed couch. The tear marks were the same shape as the scratches on the door. The three tongs of a trident were obviously what made these marks across their home. Only two people were allowed to wield tridents at all in this society, and those two were none other than the Condescension and Jane herself.

Unless she somehow made her way back overnight and had a complete blackout tantrum, Jane very much doubted that she was the one to do this.

John hovered behind his sister, taking in everything very slowly. “Well...I guess Dave did know something we didn’t,” he said. Jane didn’t respond. John sighed. “We’re so fucked.”

“You could say that again,” Roxy piped up from the doorway, both her and Rose not wanting to intrude on their moment. “So...does this help with any of the not believing us shit?”

“A little,” John supplied when Jane continued to stare. Suddenly, her head snapped up to her room up the stairs.

“Oh, nuts.”

She ran upstairs without any explanation, leaving John and the two blonde ladies to wonder what the hell they were missing. When she came back, she held a trident in one hand and a crumpled paper in the other. John’s eyebrows shot up.

“That’s not yours…”

“It is now,” she answered curtly, crumpling the paper even more in her hand. “I need to burn this.”

“Why? Jane-”

“It needs to be destroyed, alright?” she snapped, her face pale. “Do either of you have a lighter?”

“I could be asking you the same thing,” Rose said, raising an eyebrow. “You’re in your own house. Do you not own matches?”

Jane paused. “Right. Shoot. Okay, I’ll be back. John, don’t touch the trident.”

She left the room and it’s occupants in even more confusion than before. John stared at the weapon that was now propped up against their couch with curiosity. After a long bout of silence, Rose let out an understanding “ah”. John turned around, noticing the distant look in the blonde’s eye.

“Ah?”

“The note. It’s from the Condescension, of course. But what it says is quite unfortunate.”

“What does it say?”

Rose eyed him warily. “Don’t you think you should ask Jane? I wouldn’t want to distribute information that isn’t mine to give.”

“Okay, you know what?” John snapped. “Something happened here, and I am incredibly out of the loop. It would be absolutely wonderful if somebody would fucking clue me in, and I honestly could give less of a shit who does it.” He balled his hands into the cushions of the wrecked couch. “What does the note say, Rose?”

“I…” Rose paused. “It. Well. There’s no nice way to say it, really…” she stalled. Roxy frowned.

“Just tell him, girly,” she said, squeezing Rose’s shoulder. “He’s frustrated as dicks.”

“I resent that,” John replied.

“...Your father is dead.”

As cliche as it was, the world stopped. “What?”

Both of the blonde sisters winced. “I’m so sorry, John,” Roxy said, wanting so badly to reach out to him. She kept herself at a distance, though. It was too soon. “Maybe you should go talk to Jane.”

-

Dead. He was dead.

And it was all her fault.

Jane sat in the kitchen, staring blankly at what was left of the note so carefully placed for her to find on her bed as it burned away.

_I’m disappointed in you, guppy_

The words rang through her head like her own alarm clock, insistent and brash. She couldn’t get the words to leave. That was probably Meenah’s plan.

_Johnny buoy is an outlaw, shorely you knew that by the time he talked to you again_

She wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and pretend it didn’t even happen.

_He has a lot of his father in him, and he’s gonna have to face the consequences just like your ol’ pops_

_Listen here guppy I’m tellin’ you this because I like you and you have a lot of potential_

_Your father isn’t gonna be a problem anymore_

_He’s chillin’ with Davy Jones now instead of causin’ any more trouble_

_That’s good news, right?_

Jane wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. But all she could do was shake. It made it incredibly difficult to read the rest.

_Now there’s only one more stroke to the finish line here and it’s all on you_

_If you wanna redeem yourshellf, you’re gonna have to kill that big bad brother of yours_

_Trust me when I say things will be a lot easier if you take him out_

_Remember when I taught you all about the no good pirates tryin’ to pillage our society_

_Your brother is one of them now_

_They’re evil Janey_

_Don’t be like them_

_Come home_

_Love, Meenah_

The note was sealed with a signature lip-shaped stain of fuschia. With that final sentence, Jane’s body went to war with itself. She hyperventilated for a while, struggling to anchor herself to the real world. All these terrible things said in one letter, yet the words were all so undeniably hers. John wasn’t anything like what Meenah had described the rebels as. Some of the others in the group she had met in the last 24 hours had been close, but not completely on point. Was it a close enough fit for her to kill her own brother?

No matter how convincing her boss may be, that one question was answered with a very strong hell no.

She rushed as quickly as she could out of the broken living room, hoping that the others wouldn’t question her change in attitude. She didn’t want to have contact with anybody right now. Actually, that was a lie. She very much wanted to talk about it. But she could not physically open her mouth, as the shock and grief hit her in waves.

“Jane?”

The girl whipped her head to the entrance of the kitchen, seeing none other than John standing there. Her body seized up, remembering the orders she was given. No, no, no, please leave-

Her train of thought melted as soon as she saw the tears in his eyes. Without even thinking, she opened her arms to him. He rushed into them, just as he had when they were little.

That was when the tears started to flow.

“Hey, I don’t mean to be insensitive here, but does this mean you’re coming back with us?” Roxy’s voice carried through the living room. “And if that’s a yes...may we perhaps raid your house?”

If Rose smacked Roxy in that moment, neither of the Egberts heard her.

-

They returned with heaps of stuff, Dave noticed. He wasn’t complaining, hell no, but damn, that was a lot of stuff.

Rose and Roxy carried most of the weight, their two dark haired friends in tow. Both of them looked physically shaken, but they still wrapped various quilts around their arms, as well as bags filled to the brim with clothing. The trident on Jane’s back caught Dave’s eye almost immediately. That was one hell of a weapon of choice.

“If you pop the trunk, there’s a shit ton of food in there,” Roxy huffed as she walked past, shifting the weight of the heavy blankets in her arms. Dave only nodded, heading for the trunk of the car.

As he popped the trunk open, he realized that she definitely wasn’t wrong. Dave hadn’t seen this much food at the same time since he had a legit home. Most of it was boxed or canned (good hindsight for whoever grabbed it), and he spotted a lot of Betty Crocker brands. He would be disgusted if it wasn’t for the fact that it was indeed, a shit ton of food.

If there were microscopic tracking devices in there, Dave would be the first to taste each and every food. Just for his friends, of course. It was a sacrifice Dave was willing to make.

“Somebody should help-” he started to say before an extra set of hands appeared. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” John answered, taking most of the trunk’s contents. Normally, he’d complain about it, but Dave couldn’t bring himself to do it. John didn’t look like he was in a joking mood at all.

“Hey,” Dave offered, trying to make some sort of conversation. “Uh. Sorry about your house.”

“Is that all?” came the harsh response. Dave floundered for a moment.

“Uh...did I miss something?”

“I’m not back here just because of a stupid house-”

“It’s your dad, then.”

John stopped. He knew? He fucking knew it was going to happen? The blue eyed boy tensed immediately. If he had anything to do with what just happened, John was going to kick Dave’s ass.

“Talking from experience again, calm your tits.”

As far from reassuring as those last words sounded, it was enough for John to calm him down. Right. He had a dead brother. And he could travel time. Of course he knew. The conversation with Jane came to mind.

“I mean, there may or may not be an element of knowledge from a couple time travel incidents, but...most of it is experience. I’m just a little shocked that it happened so much later.”

“Later! Are you fucking kidding me?!” John exploded, glaring at Dave. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? He was destined to die and you didn’t tell me?!”

“There wasn’t time,” Dave tried to explain, but before he could get anything out, John was taking longer strides across the field. “Hold up!”

“You knew that I wouldn’t have joined you shmucks if I knew my dad was going to die.”

“Okay, but the soonest he was going to die was before you even met me!”

They stopped just in front of the doorway. John looked at him again, and Dave watched as the emotions played on his face. Anger, hurt, grief, confusion, more anger, even more confusion. After a moment, his face just went blank.

Shit. He broke John.

“...Define ‘before’.”

“At least a month before you went to get your shot. When he first disappeared,” Dave said, debating whether or not to reach out to the guy. “Look, man-”

“No. It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault, I don’t think. I just. I need some more time.”

Dave breathed out through his nose as John walked into the warehouse. It was going to take a hell of a lot of patience to befriend John. It took him less than 48 hours to discover this.

-

Jane was showed to her room fairly quickly. Roxy offered to stay and be a shoulder to cry on, but the dark haired girl brushed her off. She’d be fine, she had explained. It was okay. She just needed some time. Roxy reluctantly agreed, and promised to grab her when they decided to eat.

Despite the midday light that filtered through the dusty windowsill, Jane wrapped herself up in a blanket and planned to never leave its warmth ever again. Her hand tightened around the smooth surface of something she had snatched from their father’s desk upon departure. The item had been taken care of for many years, despite not being the only one their father owned. Jane could still smell the scent of shaving cream and cologne - the smell of dad - that clung to it even though it had been cleaned many times. The simple black pipe had been grabbed on an impulse, but Jane didn’t know what she would have done if she hadn’t taken it. It was a souvenir, now. A token of remembrance.

It had been a month since she had last seen their dad, but only now did she recognize how much she missed him.

She understood the death of a loved one. Their mom died when she was young, but old enough to understand that their mom was gone forever. What she hadn’t experienced before was the breach of trust that happens when your mentor - who also happens to lead the entire world with only one equal - kills your only parent simply because you were out of contact for one night and then orders you to kill your only other living family member to reenstate your loyalty.

That in itself was a wild ride from start to finish.

Of course she wasn’t going to go through with it. It was common sense. To take advice from somebody who killed your dad? That was a dubious action. To believe that your brother is a threat to the world because he can blow wind in a different direction than it’s intended to go? Also pretty ridiculous.

Yet, Meenah had been (or still is?) her boss and mentor, so shouldn’t she trust what the empress declares? As terrible as it sounded, there was reasoning behind everything that Meenah taught her. She taught her how to kill (something she always figured was a self defense tactic), how to manipulate (under the guise of “negotiation”).

It hurt her head to hold the trident that now stood against the far corner of the room. It glared with temptation. Part of Jane wanted to pick it up and lead it to its intended use, which only lead her to feel absolute disgust.

Jane was just about to lose her mind to the thoughts flying around her when the door creaked open.

“Hello?” Dirk greeted cautiously, eyeing the room until he came across the pile of girl on the floor. “Shit, is this a bad time?”

Jane scrambled to get off of the floor, but her feet tangled in the blanket as she tried to stand. Before she could hit the solid concrete beneath her, however, a pair of arms managed to balance her. They looked at each other for a moment, and Jane felt something stir in her chest.

For a second there, she forgot that this guy had stabbed her last night. After that second, she was upright and distancing herself from the man.

“Sorry, erm, I just. Uh,” she couldn’t think of anything to say. Thanks, but I really don’t want to see you right now, as you stabbed me the night before and I can still feel where it was-

“It’s okay. My fault,” he murmured, letting her go when she was back on her feet. “I...wanted to see if you were alright?”

Jane’s brow furrowed. “Peachy. Now, if you’ll excuse me-”

“Sorry, I’m really bad with this shit. I came here to apologize,” He said before she could tune him out, leaning against the doorway. “I haven’t really helped with the shock factor of all of this. You could’ve figured out your aspect in a more controlled manner. But I kinda made sure that didn’t happen. By first impressions alone, you probably think I’m an asshole.”

“That would be a fair assumption,” she responded dryly, crossing her arms. Dirk sighed and looked down at the concrete floor.

“I’m not going to lie, Dave is making me do this,” he muttered, looking up again. “But I really do want to say sorry. Stabbing you was a dick move. Everything I’ve done to you so far has been a dick move. So I’m going to start over.” His hand shot out to her. “Hello. My name is Dirk Strider. I am 23 years old. And I am indeed an asshole. I’m sorry that you had to learn this so soon.”

Jane offered a soft smile as she shook his hand. “I’m sorry I had to learn it at all. Jane Crocker, I'm 22.”

Dirk let a fraction of a grin onto his face. “Fair point. It’s a pleasure to meet somebody who sees me for who I truly am," he says, reveling in the snort that Jane makes. His grin slips back into a slight frown when the room is quite once more.

"My first question still stands. Are you alright, Jane?”

Jane slumped, too tired to even try and lie about it again. "Not really." 

Dirk didn't know what to do next. "Okay. Well." An awkward pause. "I hope you...feel better..." he trailed off, making for the door and hating himself all the while. What a shitty moirail he'd be. 

"Dirk?" 

The man whipped around, finding Jane in the exact same spot. He really didn't know what he was expecting. "Yeah?" 

"Thanks for apologizing. I appreciate it." 

He gave a short nod. "Any time. See you around." 

"Yes, I hope I do." 

And with that, he left, closing the door and leaning on it a bit. Roxy caught him and held in a cackle. " _Dirky's in pale love_ ," she sang quietly. 

Dirk only responded with an enthusiastic middle finger.

-

**“Free vaccines at any Wallblue’s near you! No appointment needed, details inside.”**

The banner still hung above the doors, as it always had. It had never been taken down. They just hung it up as soon as Englis)( Incorporated came into the picture, and then that was that.

Alternian Officer 4013 always hated Wallblue’s. It was essentially a mass produced thrift shop, with low quality products that are passed off as high-tech just to make a quick buck. The only thing they did right was the vaccines.

The troll policeman was on a new case. Three men got away with all of the vaccines stocked in this building. Not only did it cost a lot of money, but it cost lives as well. Didn’t they know that shit was formulated for the greater good? Honestly, some people just didn’t give a damn.

It was said that only two men initiated the robbery, but a man from the crowd was thrown out of the building and flew away from the ground, completely unscathed. If the officer had to make a guess, he would say that the two either had some sort of manipulation on the guy, or the entire thing was staged. He didn’t know the truth until he heard from witnesses, however. And that was what he was doing here at the doorstep of a shitty retail chain.

He walked up to the customer service desk, asking for the manager. The part-time employee curled her hair around her horns absentmindedly as she walked her way to the back room.

A human female emerged with a too-friendly smile plastered to her face. “Hello, how may I help you, sir?”

The officer took his badge out of his coat. “Alternian Officer 4013, Karkat Vantas. I’m here to talk to whoever was on shift during the robbery yesterday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This is the first time Hammer is reading the last half of this chapter, so hopefully she doesn't kill me for introducing her favorite grumpy troll boy)  
> Questions? Comments? Concerns? Message me over at cyan-shenanigans.tumblr.com or Hammer over at burnieplease.tumblr.com. Or comment here. We'll just get to tumblr messages faster ^u^


	5. Ever Heard of Knocking? God Damn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time here, on Hammer's behalf. Computer troubles and a whole bunch of sickness has created a surprise hiatus! But we're okay now. We'll hopefully be posting on a more regular schedule, now. But no matter what, it'll probably be a little less regular than Buy it Use it was.  
> Regardless, we're back! And we hope that you enjoy the next lovely installment of Rogue Dumbasses.  
> -Time

"I'm hella fucked."

"You're also hella overdramatic," Rose volleyed back in stride, resting her back against the wall that her bed was pressed up to. By 'bed', of course, it was meant to be taken as a pile of pilfered blankets and material, but in their current housing, it was as good as any bed they could really ask for. The only one with a real mattress had been Roxy, and she'd offered that to John when he'd first arrived.

Dave was currently sitting on the floor of Rose and Roxy's shared room with his head in his hands as she knitted a scarf, bright green and stretching the length of the floor between the two of them. If she were being honest, most of her attention was still focused on her knitting and not on her pseudo-sibling; but, in her defense, she had been minding her own business when Dave barged in and started stringing together sentences depicting something along the lines of the ever eloquent, "I'm hella fucked", while Rose simply nodded absently.

At the moment, John and Jane were downstairs, making dinner with the help of Roxy as Dirk began to fix up their makeshift home with the pieces salvaged from the Egberts household. Rose was working on knitting them winter clothing for when the temperature inevitably dropped, and then there was Dave.

Who was upstairs, panicking. Funny, how that worked.

It had been six days since he'd returned from his own house, and John barely talked to anyone besides his sister, let alone Dave. That was mostly, Dave assumed, the guy resented him for not warning him more about is Dad, but Roxy insisted it was part of his mourning process. He trusted her on that, seeing as she was basically the only other person John bothered to say more than two words to, but it still stung in a weird way. Jane was a least a bit more sociable, chatting with everyone while cleaning up, but not by much seeing as both of them spent almost all of their time in their rooms.

However, mourning or not, Dave was still more than positive that John despised him.

"Rose, I must've fucked up the timeline or something . There's no way this is the same John that I met before, not a single fucking chance. And if that's true, that means that this is a doomed timeline and all of you are gonna die because I pissed off Egbert. I've executed your asses like you're Marie Antoinette and I'm the fucker that convicted you guys of treason. Fuck it, let them eat cake, enjoy your final days, because I couldn't save the guy's Dad and because of that we're all being shoved in the guillotine."

"First off, it was proven long ago that Marie Antoinette never actually said, 'let them eat cake'," Rose began, dismissing Dave's idea of a doomed timeline, "And secondly, how, exactly, are you sure this isn't the same John?" Raising an eyebrow as she looked away from her knitting momentarily, her head tipped minutely to the left, "When you got back from your first ever meeting with him, all you said was simply that you'd gone too far forward, and met John, and never shared another detail. Exactly what's the difference between our John and that one?"

Silence followed when her eyes trailed back to her work, which was confusing seeing as Rose had posed an actual question and not just a hypothetical. At the absence of Dave's ever present voice after a full twenty seconds, she looked up only to be surprised at the fact that her faux-brother's head was ducked, away from her. "Dave."

Waving a hand and clearing his throat, Dave shook his head, "Nothing, there's nothing, I'm wrong." However, if the small crack in his voice was anything to go by, there most definitely was something, causing her to sit up a bit more. Dave Strider? Being coy? No, no, coy wasn't the word for what this way. Looking a bit closer, a bell went off in Rose's head; Dave Strider was being _sheepish._

"Look me in the eye and say that," She challenged in return, her work falling to her lap while still held in hand. Watching his chin tilt upwards slowly with a critical eye, Rose's fingers came up to cover her mouth as the corners began to pull upwards into a smile. "Oh my god, what did you two _do_?" She questioned when she noticed that Dave's face was a brilliant red, embarrassment plain on his features as he shuffled against the floor. This had to be from the mentioning of his first meeting with John, right? She'd barely pushed and he already looked like he was ready to burst. What could have even led to him responding like this?

The day that Dave had come back and claimed he'd met one of their future companions, he'd been a teenager. He was red faced, but he said it was from training his Aspect, before having Roxy get him some aspirin and check some bleeding at his ears, before heading off to get some sleep.

No one in their group had ever really thought to ask what had happened during the encounter.

"Look, I-" Sighing a little, Dave exhaled through his mouth, glancing sidelong at the door. It was hanging open, broadcasting this conversation to the world, and like hell that was going to happen. Shutting his mouth, Dave scrambled to his feet before going over and peaking out of the door, making sure the coast was clear. When he decided it was, he shut it and locked it in place, going back to where he was but pacing the room instead of sitting. "No one hears about this, got it? Not another living soul. You know what, scratch that, not any soul, dead or alive, pets and inanimate objects included."

"You have my word," Rose assured as her fingers casually crossed over her right knitting needle, "By all means, take the floor."

**  
  
**

-

Suddenly, Dave was 18 again.

"Again."

"Bro, come on," Dave huffed, his hands on his knees as his chest heaved. He was 18, in shape, healthy, and never had he felt more like an old man about to keel over in the Arby's parking lot. "Breaks are allowed."

"Bullshit, nobody is gonna give you a break when you're fighting for your life." His oldest brother was standing in front of him with an air of ease around him; His hands were draped over the butt end of the handle of his sword, which was stabbed into the rooftop under him. He had his stance squared, feet flat on the ground, and his pointed shades set on his nose, pinching only tight enough to stay in place. His popped collar and easy breathing only caused Dave to feel more and more pissed off, considering he was currently panting like he'd run ten miles and feeling sweat accumulate on the back of his neck. Fuck, his head hurt.

Seeing his Bro was nice, really. Seriously, the dude had been dead for 5 years, it was a new form of refreshing to be able to see him every week as a training exercise stipulated by the guardian himself, even if he got his ass kicked while doing it.

Dave had always remembered when he was younger, around 10 or 11, that Bro would disappear for half a day and never say why, and both Dirk and Dave had chalked it up to one of Bros weird habits. The dude was an enigma, and it only happened for a few months, so it was nothing to get worried over in the end. He'd forgotten about it with time.

More important stuff went down, you can't blame him for not remembering something as mundane as his Bro's fucked up schedule.

He and Dirk had gotten a bit older, he got his Aspect, and Bro died while they ran out from their apartment without looking back. Teamed up with the Lalondes, and tada, you had your perfect team of rag-tag orphans, all of whom were completely untrained with unchecked powers. It wasn't until a few years later that Rose suggested the boys get better in touch with their powers. While they could use them on the spur of the moment and had gotten some parts of their aspects down pat, there were others she said they should try on. Dirks was a bit different, seeing as it was a type of manipulation, same with Rose, but both Roxy and Dave needed to try and hone in on their abilities.

Unlike what Rose has hypothesized, Dave really didn't have to focus on one particular memory or place to go where he wanted. Instead, he just sort of closed his eyes, and bam, he was where he'd wanted to be practically instantaneously. The place he first went to was their rooftop back in the heart of Texas, with a very confused Bro cleaning up after a strife and seeing a much older version of his little brother.

A quick explanation, a sorry delivery of the tale of why 'Future Bro' wasn't going to be helping Dave learn ("You were 13 when I bit the dust? You're 11 now. Shit, I'm in my golden years, I need to bust out the cane and hunchback while I have the chance."), and an assurance that Bro would help Dave get a hold of his powers. Dave had thought that teleporting back to his old house meant he already had a pretty good handle on things, but Bro had dismissed him with a simple, "There's more than that. Trust me."

And now he came back every week. He just had to sort out the dates in his mind, and after that, it was easy as hell. He'd gotten down his time traveling pretty easily, only a few weeks of work until he could arrive at the exact second something was happening, before he had to try other things. Going into the future and realizing his general knowledge, teleportation, even a trick that he'd wanted to get a handle on where he could get snippets of the future with contact on someone.

What they were working on now, however, happened to be the most painful and draining thing Dave had ever experienced.

"You have three seconds."

"Bro, dude-"

"Three."

"I just need a water, this is drying out my brain-"

"Two."

"-it's been sucking up liquids luck a sponge from how much I've been wringing it to do this, you fucker-"

"One."

In the blink of an eye, the sword was removed from the ground and in Bro's grip.  They were separated by a good deal of space, but it would take about two seconds for that thing to leave Bro's hand and kill Dave.

Dave was looking up at him, both of them maintaining eye contact through tinted plastic for a few more seconds.

One nod from his guardian, and the sword was flung.

A hand went to Dave's temple as his head throbbed heavily, teeth gritting together and sounding like grating sandpaper in his ears. It felt like his skull was being crushed between two oversized rocks, but that was a sign that things were working. His legs wobbled a bit, but when he looked up, it was almost worth it. The sword that had been practically shooting towards him was now moving a leisurely pace, almost the speed that people usually walk, and aimed right for his face. Upon closer inspection it was two inches to the left, seeing as his Bro wasn't out to kill him.

Taking two dragging steps to the right, Dave collapsed to his knees as his temples began to get shooting pains in them. Both hands went to cover the offended areas,even if the pain was internal, and the younger of the two actually let out a grunt as the pressure in his head ceased, all the air in his chest leaving at once. The sound of metal hitting metal resounding next to them as the blade flew past him about 6 feet to the left. Turning his head, Dave noticed that the same sword he'd been watching crawl towards him midair was now halfway buried into the air conditioning unit behind him, the appliance whining pitifully.

Suddenly the memory of the air conditioning going out when he was 11 hit him and made a lot of sense.

Well, that was past Dave's problem now.

"Nice save," Was the comment received before another item was thrown, rolling in front of Dave. A water bottle.  

Tipping the bottle skyward and drinking greedily, Dave nearly fell forward, instead leaning back and catching himself on his arm as he sucked in breath through his nose. He was vaguely aware of footsteps walking towards him when a towel was dropped on his face, causing him to sputter and then choke on his drink.

Sitting up and spitting what was in his mouth out before coughing, he glanced up at his brother, who simply touched his ear once before beginning to walk off the roof. "I need to go make little you and Dirk dinner. See you next week, and don't be late."

"Shut up," Was the comment thrown back at him when Dave caught his breath, and he got a loving middle finger in return. Reaching up to touch his own ear, he pulled back and noticed that his fingers had blood on them. "Fuckin' peachy," He mumbled, lifting the towel to wipe off his mouth before grabbing either end and wiping at his ears. There wasn't too much blood, but let's face it, any blood out of your ears is too much blood.  
  
He stayed, sitting there on his old rooftop and waiting for the pressure in his head to let up, before eventually deciding that maybe going home was the right step here.

By the time he managed to stand up, water bottle in hand and towel slung over his left shoulder, Bro was long gone, and the sun was just beginning to go down in front of him. Taking in a deep breath, Dave only thought of the word 'home', considering that right now he needed Roxy to tell him just how bad it was to leak red out of your ears and Rose to (hopefully) tell him that he'd be totally fine.

If he could just go home, he'd be fine.

Yet when he opened his eyes, he was actively stunned into stepping back accidentally, the world lilting to the left as he got a headrush, stumbling a little.

This was definitely not his shitty bedroom.

He was on a rooftop, still, but this one was... different. Different set up, different place, even the air around them was nearing the evening and fairly cool. He'd zapped into being with his calves pressed against the edging of the roofs perimeter, taking in the scene that was displayed with a surprised raise of his eyebrows. In front of him were about seven people, two of whom were arguing and he'd never seen before. Dirk was standing there, talking to some guy with dark hair and a stupid skull on his shirt, and Rose was watching the argument with a smile while Roxy was chatting with some blue eyed girl. She looked similar to the boy currently yelling at a girl with dark hair down to the middle of her back.

The moment _Dave_ entered the picture though, all fond smiles, shouting matches and conversations were dropped immediately. The yelling boy, who looked to be in his early twenties with bright blue eyes and square glasses, turned to look at him in a startled way, before actually _looking_ and seeing who he was. When he realized that the intruder was the blond, he got the most relieved expression Dave had ever seen in his life, his hands pressing against his legs in an attempt of what appeared to be catching his breath.

Not that the youngest Strider really knew why, however. Right now he was more than a little confused, considering his brother and sisters were just sort of sitting there casually with three new additions to their group. What had he missed?

The dude took a single step forward as everyone watched carefully, his brow furrowing. "Dave," was the only thing the blue dude had said, and god damn it, Dave's head hurt too much for this. Who was this guy? Who were the other three people that were hanging with his family? Where the hell  _was_ he even, this just wasn't right.

"Yes?" Seemed like the appropriate response, before everyone seemingly moved at once. Dirk's expression broke to show a bit of a smile as the guy standing next to him clapped his shoulder, giving a weird greeting that Dave was sure consisted of made up words.  Roxy put a hand on her chest and let out an over ridiculous whoosh of air as she leaned on the girl next to her, who only laughed. The long haired girl was now grinning ear to ear with her hands on her hips, and Rose sat back, wearing a devilish smile that Dave wasn't all too comfortable with.

The more he looked, the more he realized that Dirk, Rose and Roxy looked... older.

But when everyone moved, _everyone_ moved. Meaning that the stranger who was looking at him like he was the second coming of Christ was stepping forward too, looking oddly determined for someone who'd looked like a spooked animal when Dave had first popped up. The overworked 18 year old was the most surprised, though, as the blue eyed guy walked up to Dave, looked him in the eye through his shades, and grabbed his face before kissing him more than square on the mouth.

There was a few whoops and hollers from behind the stranger, and Dave's hands came up on the defense but ended up resting on the guys shoulders because oh shit. Oh _shit_ , he'd gone too far into the future. That's why he was somewhere else; future him marked this as 'home', so past him had fucked up and landed here. It had to be from being tired right? Maybe Bro had pushed him too far. Oh god what if his brain was broken. So these new people, they had to join their group later, right? Oh shit this new guy was going to join their group. Was this his boyfriend? Holy shit this was his first kiss. Did they do this a lot? What if he was in the wrong timeline? Why was this surprisingly nice? Was this the alpha timeline? Would he ever really know this guy?  What if he never knew this dude? Fuck, he'd probably fucked up.

While it only lasted a few seconds, Dave experienced far too many questions by the time the guy pulled back, still beaming like the fucking sun.

Only the more he looked at Dave's face, the less confident he seemed in his gesture. Dave began to question of maybe that was a new development for future him, seeing as it may have been a grand gesture judging by the reactions of everyone behind the guy.

Damn it, he'd stolen his own first kiss with this person, hadn't he?

"Uh-" Dave started, and the stranger looked at him carefully, causing the blond to clear his throat to make sure his voice didn't crack, "Well that's a hell of an introduction."

"What?" In front of him, his apparent suitor's face scrunched up, "Introduction? What are you talking ab-" However, that scrunch fell away to wide eyes and a terror stricken expression. "Oh god."

"Yeah," Dave said, bringing a hand to scratch the back of his head, averting his gaze behind his shades. Fuck, this was awkward.

" _No._ No no no, I thought you looked young. Crap, uh. How old are you?" The guy asked after a second, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth.

"18," Dave admitted, only causing the guy to blush even harder. Glancing back, he could see that Rose was obviously fighting back laughter as everyone else wore expressions of surprise. "How old should I be?"

"23. No, you're a _child_ , I just kissed a kid, what the hell is wrong with me. Oh god, okay, uh. Have we, met?" He lifted his hands, wiggling his forefingers back and forth between them with  hopeful expression.

"Not even once," Dave assured, causing the guy to hang his head in apparently shame.

"Damn it, you don't even know who I am at this point, I'm so so so sorry dude. I'm just a stranger to you and I just- Oh _no_ , this is why you never told me this story!" Covering his face with both his hands, the guy continued to talk, "I'm so so so sorry, man. Oh god, this is the worst, I thought-"

"I'm guessing me from the future was supposed to pop up here?" Dave asked, letting out a sigh. Well, this was somehow worse now. He just cock blocked himself five years in the future from a cute guy macking on him. Damn it past him.

"Yeah, you've been gone for a couple days," He explained simply, shaking his head a little, "We were all worried."

"You the most, judging by the face hug," Dave pointed out with a click of his tongue. That at least earned a laugh as the man dragged his hands down his face in apparent distress, his nose scrunching.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"So," Shuffling in place a little, Dave hooked his thumbs into his front pockets, trying to appear casual while his heart still beat in his head and chest. Maybe he could ask for ibuprofen from these guys, "Who are you, exactly?"

"I'm John Egbert," John introduced, holding out a hand for a handshake and then realizing that that was ridiculous considering they'd just kissed, dropping it back to his side, "We're best friends."

"More than that, apparently." Even through the aching of his head, he managed to wiggle his eyebrows a bit, causing John to blush horribly. Damn, he wish he knew more about the guy, teasing him would be way more fun. But hey, future him seemed to know John _pretty well_ , and at the moment making fun of John was helping him appear unembarrassed.

"Shut up, you don't even know yet. Oh god you haven't gone through like, _anything_ with _any_ of us yet. Ugh." Letting his head fall backwards, John let out a whoosh of air, his hands going to his hips, "This is a mess. Plus I just kissed an 18 year old. This isn't what I was planning."

"Hey, at least he's legal," Was called from the back of the group, and Dave recognized it to be his own brother.

"Fuck you Dirk," Both he and John said in tandem, Dave actually leaning over to peak at the more refined version of the idiot he had back home. This caused a couple of chuckles before John leaned in about an inch, speaking quietly as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans, almost mirroring Dave.

"So. I'm sorry, first off. Second off, _never_ tell me about this when I ask, alright? Because I will ask. A lot. Like an annoying amount."

"Is there a reason?" Dave asked in the same hushed tone, shifting the water bottle that he was still stupidly holding between his first and middle finger.

"I'll never do it otherwise, and trust me, it's something that needs to be done." Reaching up, John patted his shoulder with an amused/distressed pull of on his eyebrows, "I am so fucking sorry."

Having to bite back a bit of a smile, Dave just stood a bit taller, nodding once. The more he thought about it, the younger of the two actually started to hope that this was the right timeline; this guy seemed more than a little alright. "Well, looks like future me just missed out on something," He joked, before pausing as a thought came to his head, "You realize this means that the entire time we're friends, I know that you're gonna kissing me right?"

John's conflicted expression dropped away to utter horror, and Dave winked with a two finger salute and a bounce of his eyebrows, feigning relaxation even as his face heated up a bit, "Later tiger."

He was shot back into his own time before he could even hear everyone burst into laughter.

-

"No fucking way," Was heard from outside the door the moment Dave ended his retelling of his experience, causing both of their heads to moved to look at the door. Rose wore an expression of disbelief and amusement, seeing as it wasn't every day that she got information that she was not already aware of, while Dave looked wide eyed. Walking over, he nearly ripped the door off its hinges after unlocking it, letting Roxy stumble in as Dirk stood cooly beside her, the girl beaming.

"How much of that did you hear," He questioned flatly, and Roxy widened her eyes dramatically with bouncing eyebrows, grinning like a maniac before winking once.

"More than enough," Dirk assured, patting Dave's shoulder as he entered the room, Roxy also brushing past him to join the conversation.

"God fucking-" Closing his eyes, Dave held onto the handle as his shoulders slumped in defeat. How the hell had they even known to listen?

"It's not too often that you hear a lock click in this house," Roxy pointed out as she walked, answering his silent question for him, "I was coming upstairs to tell you that dinner was almost done, but after that, you were talking about your Bro and I thought it'd be interesting to listen in! Dirk didn't drop by until you started talking about the whole 'future gang' business, though. We'll have to catch him up on that later, it's alright."

Dave didn't even care at this point. His face was on fire, his annoyance was spiked, and his hand was still wrapped around the door handled because god damn it, he should have known that Roxy would find out immediately. Staying where he was, he barely even moved when he was spoken to.

"I don't see why this is a bad thing," Rose started honestly, now having finished a good small chunk of her scarf as she'd listened to him. Next to her, Roxy sat down on Rose's bed, leaning back casually, "It's assurance that he'll soon assimilate to our situation and begin to relax a little."

"Yeah, that and you guys'll bang," Roxy pointed out, causing both Dirk and Dave to stick out their tongues, Dirk looking more disgusted than his brother.

"Lalonde, please, there are several things I don't need in my head and that's definitely one of them," Dirk shuddered just barely as he turned away, his hip resting against the wall.

"First off, _no_ ," Dave shook his head, "Second off, no. Third off, the dude hates me. There's no way in hell that was the right timeline, I'm marking that encounter down as an alternate timeline that I accidentally did the truffle shuffle into while my head was fucked up."

"You honestly believe that the John you kissed isn't the same one cooking downstairs?" Roxy asked, crossing her arms over her chest, "Because the alternate timelines that you tell us about are usually all fucked up and missing people. How many people were in our group?"

"Well, eight, including me," He admitted.

"And did anyone look differently  than how you know them from your time escapades?" Rose asked.

"No, but-"

"And isn't it a lot more likely that you just accidentally hopped forward in time by accident instead of going into another timeline all together?" Dirk pushed.

"Okay, yeah, but-"

"Dinner!" Was called from downstairs, bringing all talking to a stand still, before everyone but Dave moved towards the door.

While Dave stayed in place, Dirk at least gave him a pat of reassurance as he walked past, "Think of it this way; If you were 23 when that was supposed to happen, you've only got a year and a few months to wait until you get a piece of that."

He  dodged as Dave shoved at him halfheartedly, but the comment rendered his ears pink.

-

"So," John started conversationally while everyone was eating. The three older sibling were talking amongst each other, and so far Dave had remained fairly quiet as John and Rose had talked. But the moment he saw the newest addition to their team turn to him, he caught Rose's expression and saw barely concealed delight across her features.

That was a horrible sign.

John cleared his throat as he set down his spoon, "Rose just reminded me of this and it's actually a good question; When we first met you said you'd talked to me before. When did you first meet me?"

Both Roxy and Dirk stopped talking immediately, causing Jane to now join the conversation out of confusion. Both the elders turned to look over at Dave with raised eyebrows and amused smirks. Both the Lalondes wore faces that hardly looked like their own, AKA smug as hell, and Dirk looked amused himself as he leaned back in his chair a little, all of them staying silent.

This was not missed by John. "What? What happened?"

Dave had the fleeting thought that this was actually the first time John had talked to him willingly since the incident back in the suburbs, and something about that irked him even more. Partially because he knew he couldn't actually say anything, but mostly because Rose and her inability to keep her mouth shut was the catalyst to him actually starting up a conversation with Dave. The silence, bar Roxy's poorly contained laughter, was enough to put John off before Dave looked over at Rose, practically  glaring daggers.

"Dave, come on! It's a fair question, I deserve to know I think. When will I 'first' meet you? Like how old were you, how old will I be?" John queried, now not even focused on his food as everyone but Jane watched Dave with expectant and smug smiles.

Dave was stock still, and behind his shades he glanced over at Rose. All she delivered in turn was a wink, causing him to turn, looking John in the eye.

So this is how they'd start talking. With John bugging Dave every day to hear this story.

Eh, at least it was a start.  
  
"I'm not saying shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Questions? Concerns? Message Hammer at burnieplease.tumblr.com or Time and cyan-shenanigans.tumblr.com. Or leave us a comment here. That's pretty cool too ^u^


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